here without you

29

I'm sitting in class. I know I should be focusing on the teacher and what he is saying, but my mind just won't let me. I keep thinking about Jade and the conversation we had.

She said she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore, but did she actually mean that? Does she actually think I'm a liar? And why did she even ask me any of these questions? Why does she care so much about my love life? Of course, my stupid heart likes to think that she's jealous - but I know she can't be. She couldn't have kissed Evan like that if she wasn't in love with him. Jade hasn't got any feelings for me. Why can't I just accept that?

Maybe all she's doing is trying to protect me from Jack and Tyler - but what about Nate? Nate is a good guy, and I know Jade likes him. Why would she try to protect me from him? It doesn't make sense. The only explanation I can find is that she has feelings for me too. Of course, that's just wishful thinking; it's what I desperately want, but what isn't true. She's into Evan, not me.

I'm sure there is another explanation. For example, she's mad at me because she thinks I'm not being honest with her, which I guess I'm not, but not in the way she thinks I am.

Maybe none of it matters anyway. Jade said she doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, and maybe it's for the better. Being around her just turned out to be confusing because I had to develop these stupid feelings for her. Why couldn't I just like her the way a friend does? Why did I have to mess everything up?

_____

I see Jade, standing at her locker, talking to Stephanie. I want her to look over to me, and at the same time I fear she will.

I'm just about to go, when she does; she looks at me. Our eyes meet, only for a moment. I consider going over to her, talking to her, but I stand still. Inside my head I hear her voice saying, "I don't want to be friends with a liar".

Jade looks away again, and I don't know how that makes me feel. I decide it's time to go. I walk over to the changing rooms, where I wait for Nate to come out.

But instead of Nate, it's Jaxon who comes out. I quickly look away, trying to make it clear that I don't want to talk to him - he does anyway. He's just like his sister.

"Can we talk?"

"Sure, what's up?" I couldn't sound more pissed, but he doesn't seem to mind.

"Do you know what's going on with Jade? She seems... different."

I look at him, and I can't help but notice his blue eyes that are the same as Jade's. Gosh, they're so beautiful.

"I don't know... We're sort of... We're not talking right now."

"So you two are fighting? Well, I guess that explains her behaviour."

"What do you mean? I really don't think it does. I'm not that important to her." I wish I was.

There's a frown on Jaxon's face. "Of course you are, Roze. I'm sure she's like this because of you girls fighting. What are you even fighting about?"

What are we fighting about? I don't know how to answer that.

"Maybe you should ask her."

Jaxon wants to add something, when Nate comes out of the changing room. I tell Jaxon goodbye and leave with Nate. He asks me what I was talking about with Jaxon.

"He just wanted to talk about Jade." I see his look of confusion and add, "Apparently, something is going on with her."

"Yeah, I've noticed that too... I also noticed that something is going on with you, Roze."

"Me? Nothing is going on with me."

"Seriously? Come on, I know you. Has it something to do with Jade?"

Fuck! He knows - but he can't, can he?

"We're not talking right now, that's all."

Before he can say another thing about Jade, I start talking about something else. I know I can tell Nate everything, but this time I really can't. I just can't talk about Jade with him, or anyone.

___

"Miss Foxton?"

I look at the teacher. Apparently she has just asked me a question, but I have no idea what she said. I feel the other students looking at me, making me feel uneasy.

"I... I don't think I feel well. Could I go to the nurse, please?"

She tells me I can, so I leave the room. I head outside, look for my pack of cigarettes and find it. I stand there, smoking, not caring that I could get caught.

I hear someone approaching, saying, "Shouldn't you be in class?"

"Well, I could ask you the same."

"Well, I actually have a free period right now."

"That's good for you." I take a drag from my cigarette. "What? Do you want something?" I look at her. She definitely wants something, or she wouldn't have come up to me. "Whatever it is just say it, Stephanie."

She hesitates, but then she says, "Nate and you... Are you guys... dating?"

It makes me laugh. It also makes me think of Jade, which I don't like.

"Why would you think that? Can't two people just be friends without jumping into bed with each other? No, Nate and I are not dating. We're friends, that is all, I promise."

"That's good... I just wasn't sure. You two just seem so close."

"Yeah, because he is my best friend."

I offer her my cigarette, and she takes it. We pass it back and forth.

"So does that mean you like Nate?"

"I guess you could say that," she says, smiling.

"He's a really great guy... And between you and me, he likes you too."

I see the smile on her face turning wider. We continue smoking the cigarette, when I notice Evan in the distance, entering the school.

"He's a great guy too, isn't he?" I say. "I mean, Jade really likes him, doesn't she?" I try to make myself sound as casual as possible, and as though jealously isn't consuming me.

"I guess he is, but J doesn't like him that much."

Wait, what?!

"She doesn't?"

"No. I mean, I suppose she doesn't. After their kiss at the party he asked her out, but she turned him down. Didn't she tell you?"

For a second it feels like I forget how to breathe.

"No, she didn't."

"It's hard to tell with J," Stephanie says, "but I'm pretty sure she likes someone else."

Could that someone else be me? There's no way, but my heart starts beating faster anyway. The only thing I can think of is that Jade doesn't want Evan after all. The thought of it makes me happier than it should. For the first time I allow myself to think that Jade is mad at me because she's jealous. But there's no way that's true, is there?