here without you

24

I'm in my car, avoiding people - or more specifically, Jade. Nate has decided not to go to school today because he isn't feeling well. I don't even think I mind; I need time by myself, so that I can figure things out.

Of course, I don't get that time. Jade opens the door of my car and gets in without asking, as usual.

She texted me this morning, asking me whether I want to drive to school together, but I ignored her. My whole feelings are confusing me, and I think the last thing I need is spending time with her.

"Thanks for ignoring my messages, idiot," she says.

"You're welcome."

"You don't deserve it, but I got you coffee."

She hands me a cup of coffee, the flavour I like it in. I sip it, looking out of the window, so that I can avoid looking at her.

"Is something wrong?"

"No? Everything is prefect."

I realise too late that the word 'perfect' was a bad choice. When is everything ever perfect?

"Is it about Jack?"

I don't know why Jade would think it could be. I haven't talked to him since he tried to kiss me, and I think I'd prefer not to change that. But it's a good excuse and the only one I can think of right now. So I tell her it is.

"Why do you even like that guy? You know, I really don't get what you see in him. Sure, he might be good-looking, but he's a total dick. You deserve a lot better than that, Roze."

I stare out of the window, saying nothing. Because what is there to say? I don't even want him - but I think I want someone else...

"You deserve someone who doesn't just like you for being pretty," Jade says. "Someone who treats you the way you should be treated. Someone who likes you for being you."

It sounds like Jade really cares about who I date, and while there might be some part of me wishing it's because she wants to be that person, another one is telling me that it's because she's my friend. She's my friend, and that's all she wants to be. She doesn't want to be more than that.

"Maybe you should try going out with other people," Jade says. "I've heard Tyler Warren has a crush on you - like every other guy." She lets out her lovely laugh, which makes my insides go crazy. I ignore it, as good as I can.

"Where did you hear that?"

"Oh, Evan told me."

"Evan..." I let out a snort. "Of course Evan told you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I look at her, which I have tried not to ever since she has entered my car. I wish I wouldn't have because it gives me an odd feeling I can't name.

"Well, Evan and you are pretty close, aren't you?"

I sound bitchy, and I don't know why. From what I know Evan isn't a bad guy. Shouldn't I be happy for Jade if she's in love with him or something? She's my friend, so I should be. But then, why am I not?

She's confused, and I don't want to explain it to her. I can't explain it. I don't know what's going on with me.

"Whatever, just... Forget it," I say. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I should go out with Tyler."

I don't know why I say it. I don't want to go out with him. But part of me wants to see what Jade thinks about that. Part of me wants her to tell me no. But she doesn't.

"Great! I think you definitely should."

Her voice contains just a little bit of sharpness, and I don't understand it. I don't understand her. Isn't that what she wants? For me to go out with someone other than Jack? But maybe it's just my imagination telling me what I want Jade telling me. Maybe there isn't any sharpness in her voice at all, because she's actually happy about me wanting to go out with Tyler.

"Great," I say. "I think I'll ask him if he wants to go to Evan's party with me."

"Yeah, that's perfect."

_____

I stand outside, smoking. I'm looking for Tyler because I want to ask him to go to Evan's party with me. Well, I'm not sure I want to, but after telling Jade I would, I don't have a choice but to ask him.

I see him talking to a few other basketball players. He sees me too, and he gives me a smile. I don't want to go over when all of his friends are there, but I do anyway. I notice Evan is there as well, and I think, hopefully he will tell Jade I actually asked out Tyler.

"Tyler? Do you have a minute?"

They all look at me standing there, cigarette in one hand and my handbag in the other. I see them flashing looks at Tyler and at each other. He says sure, a light grin on his face, and steps over to me.

"Are you going to Evan's party?"

I notice the other guys looking over to us. They are talking, probably about Tyler and me.

"Uh, yeah, I am," he says.

"Good, then you can pick me up."

He laughs. I don't laugh, and he realises I'm serious.

"Yeah, I... I'd love to!"

"Perfect."

I think he wants to say something else, but I don't wait for him to. I turn around and walk straight to my car, hoping that Jade is going to hear about this.