here without you

61

The night I break up with Jade is the night I finally dream about Olive.

We're on the way to my favourite place, the rooftop. She's climbing up the ladder, telling me to follow her. So I go after her, the sound of her laughter ringing in my ears. We have reached the top of the roof, when she turns around to me. Her brown eyes are smiling at me, and her blonde hair is flowing from the wind. She takes my hand.

"I want to show you something, Rozie," she says.

She drags me with her, to the edge of the roof.

"I go first, and then it's your turn." She half laughs, half smiles at me. "I love you, Rozie."

And suddenly, her eyes are no longer looking into my eyes, and her hand is no longer holding my hand. She's gone. I look around, to the left, to the right.

"Oli?"

I walk around the rooftop, trying to find her. Eventually, I stop at the edge of it, looking down onto the city. Behind me I hear a voice whispering, "It's your turn now, little sister." I wheel around. There is no one. I look down at the city again. Buildings, cars, trees, humans. All of it tiny and unreal.

I hear Olive's laugh, and then I hear her say, "I'm still waiting for you!" Her voice seems to come from down below. I take a step closer to the edge, following the sound of her voice. "Another one!" I take another one. Now, my feet are standing at the very edge of it, almost about to fall down. "Another one, and I promise you, you will see me again."

So I take another one.

_____

My eyes open. Around me is darkness. For a second I think, I'm dead. For a second I think, I'm going to see Olive again. For a second, I don't mind the thought of being dead at all; it fills me up with excitement.

But then I feel the pillow under my head, the blanket over my body and the mattress underneath it. As sudden as the excitement came, it leaves again. What takes its place instead is pain, and also disappointment.

I push back the blanket, sit up, and turn on the light. I reach for my phone, unlock it, open my contacts. My fingers scroll through the list of contacts, find Jade - and then my mind remembers.

You broke up with her, and she hates you now.

My phone hits the wall with the sound of breaking glass. I close my eyes and press them into the palms of my hands. A strange, muffled howl escapes from my mouth. I take my hands off my eyes again and look up. I see the blanket fort. It's still standing in the middle of my room, all pretty and whole.

I remember Jade telling me how her mother would built blanket forts for them when they didn't feel well, and how that would make them feel better. For some reason, it felt like a good idea to me to build one for Jade. I thought it could make her feel better.

Right now, it seems like the most stupid thing I could have done. Not only did it not make her feel better, but I also destroyed one of the precious memories she has of their mother. How could I have done that? How could I have ever thought that anything I do could make Jade feel better? Nothing I do makes her feel better. Nothing I do is right. Everything I do hurts her.

My feet take me to the fort. My hands take one of the blankets and tear it down. Then, they seize another one, and they tear that one down too. And before I know it the fort is no longer standing. Blankets and pillows are spilled everywhere around me, in my entire room.

You destroyed it, just like you destroyed Jade and everything else.

My hands grab the first object they can find - a plate - and they throw it at the wall. Then, they go on with the other things they find. A sketchbook, a candle, pens, plants, books, bottles of nail polish, makeup supplies, a lamp, a vase, handbags, clothes - they all hit the wall.