here without you

69

I'm standing at my opened locker, looking over to Jade standing at hers. She's talking to one of her cheerleader friends, her eyes fixed on the other girl. Her long red hair is messily braided, so that it's easy for me to see her adorable light dumbo ears. She smiles at her friend, causing her dimples to show and my stomach to fill with butterflies.

Some of Olive's words from the letter run through my head: I know there is a guy or a girl who will love you just like you are. I wonder if Jade still is that person, and I wonder if she has ever been it. And I wonder if she wants to be it.

I know I should stop staring at Jade like some stalker, yet I can't make myself do it. It's like she's some sort of magnet, pulling my eyes and mind into her direction. I see her friend taking out her phone, checking it, and I see Jade giving her a nod. And then, her eyes move. They fall on me.

Fuck.

I quickly take out a book from my bag and put it in my locker. I take out some other one, and I keep my eyes on the door of my locker. It makes me remember how Jade has put a photo of us on hers; me smiling, and Jade putting a kiss on my cheek. I wonder what happened with it. Does it still hang there, or did she take it down? And what happened with all of the drawings I gave her? Does she still have them? Do some of them still hang in her room? Something tells me she took all of it down and ripped all of it apart.

I shut my locker. I remember that Nate wanted to have lunch together, so I walk to the cafeteria, avoiding to look into Jade's direction on my way to it. I have just walked past a table with some guys, when I feel someone placing their hand on my shoulder. I turn around.

"Jack."

"Roze." He grins. "How are you?"

Lately I've been trying to be as honest as possible, with other people and also with myself. The weight I am carrying has slowly become less and less. I told myself to finally stop lying, so I say, "I've been better. But I've also been worse."

"That's... good, I guess."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Do you want to sit with us?"

"With 'us'? You mean with the other basketball players and you? No, thank you." I realise I'm being rude, so I add, "I told Nate we would have lunch together."

"Oh. Well, that's okay." He smiles, then frowns. "What about Jade?"

"What about her?"

He looks at me for a second, eyebrows scrunched together and head slightly tilted. He says, "You know, I haven't seen you two together for a while now. Is everything alright with you?"

"We..." I think of what to say without lying. "We're not friends anymore."

"What? Since when? And why?"

"We just..." I think again, then say, "We had a fight. It was a pretty serious one."

"About what?"

"About..." I shrug. "Girl stuff."

I see him thinking about this for a while before he says, "Then I guess you should talk to her, make up with her."

I shrug another time, and he says,  "You girls were pretty close, weren't you?"

"Yeah, we were... pretty close."

"Then just talk to her. I'm sure you two will figure out whatever you are fighting about."

I'm not sure what to say, so I say nothing. Jack says, "Or I could talk to her if you want to."

"You?" I suppress a laugh. "Jack, you're not even friends with Jade."