here without you

72

Several days pass without me talking to Jade again. Sometimes we see each other in the hallways, or we see each other in class. Sometimes she looks away, and sometimes I look away. Sometimes she smiles at me, and sometimes I smile at her. Neither of us tries talking to each other since I have asked her for time, and she wants to give me that time. I miss her, but I'm still figuring out my feelings, so I haven't tried approaching her again.

I'm still seeing Mr Andrews, more than once a week. He has brought up trying real therapy, but I'm not too convinced of it. However, I have told him I'd think about, and I have actually meant it.

For a while now, it seems like I'm doing well again. I'm listening to music again, which is mostly because of Mackenzie. After she has turned some on once, I turned it off. And after she gave me a look of confusion with her usual bit of annoyance, I tried to explain it to her. Her face went from understanding to ridicule. She told me to stop being a pussy, and then she turned the music back on again.

I have also picked up drawing again. I'm drawing everything, like Olive wanted me to. Some of my drawings are drawings of her. Other ones are objects, things, or feelings. Some of them have turned out as drawings of Jade. When Mackenzie saw them, she made fun of me, told me to talk to Jade - for about the hundredth time -, and told me to stop being a pussy - also for about the hundredth time.

Somehow, Mackenzie has become one of my closest friends, which no one seems to understand, least of all my parents. Because of what I have told them after I punched her, they thought she was a mean girl who I can't stand. When I told them about our friendship, they didn't believe me, but that has changed now. I invited her over, and while my mother was nice to her, my father tried intimidating her - it didn't work though. Mackenzie threw back some sarcastic comments at him, which made my father like her and say that she's a witty girl.

Things seem to be working again - they even seem to be good. The only thing which is missing - apart from, of course, Olive - is Jade. I have been thinking about her and us a lot. It seems like I can't make up my mind, until one day, on one of those rare sunny days in December, I finally do.

_____

"I figured you'd be here."

Jade looks up, turns her head to the right. She looks at me, her face unreadable, and her eyes blinking as if she doesn't believe I am actually here. At the meadow, where we have spent many days together, and where I know she would be right now. At her favourite place, but also sort of at mine. The rooftop used to be my favourite place, but what I've realised is that my favourite place isn't a place anymore. It's a person. It's Jade. My favourite place is right next to her, with her warm hand in my cold hand.

Finally, a smile appears on Jade's entire face. Sparkles and dimples. It feels like she and her smile are lighting me up. Inside of me my heart is beating fast, and warmth is spreading in my entire body.

"Can I... sit with you?"

She nods, still wearing a smile on her face. The moment I sit down, I hear barking to my right, behind me. I turn my head. Blue is running up to us, grinning. He jumps on me and starts licking my whole face. I stroke him and eventually, he calms down.

"He's still crazy about you," Jade says. "He misses you."

"I miss him too." I look at her. "And I miss you." Pause. "I miss us."

She bites her lip and smiles. "Really?"

"Really."

I look at her; she looks at me. The air around us is filled with energy. It takes all the self-control I have to not just grab her and kiss her.

"What are you thinking right now, Roze?"

For a moment I hesitate, then I say, "I'm thinking... that I wanna be yours."

"I'm having a little déjà-vu."

"Could you tell me what happens next then?"

"I could tell you what happens next then." Lip bite smile. "But I think you know."

We both move closer to each other, slowly. I close my eyes, feel her breath on my skin. It's hot and makes my mind go dizzy in the best way there is. I could lean forward, just a tiny bit, or she could lean forward, just a tiny bit. But neither one of us does, and I know why she isn't doing it. She isn't doing it because she wants me to do it. She's still giving me the space I have asked her for, and now she's waiting for me to give it back to her. It feels like time has frozen - until I unfreeze it. I open my eyes and draw away. I see Jade opening her eyes too, blinking.

"Jade..."

"Roze."

"I'm... I..." I take a breath. "There's something I want you to have."

"Then let me have it." There's a small smile on her face as well as in her voice.

I put my hand in the pocket of my jacket and pull it out. The letter. I hold it out to her. She stares at it, at her name written on it in Olive's handwriting.

"I found it a while ago," I say. "There were also ones for my parents, Jaxon, Nate, and me. I'm so sorry I haven't given it to you sooner, but I couldn't, because... You know why. And I'm sorry, Jade. I... I didn't -"

Jade puts her hand on mine, which makes me stop speaking. It feels warm on my cold hand and so familiar. She looks at me. Her touch and look calm me. They tell me that it's okay.

She takes the envelope, carefully. She looks at it, then at me.

"Do you mind if I...?"

I shake my head.

She opens it, takes out the letter, her hands shaking a tiny bit. I reach for the one which isn't holding the letter. Her hand intertwines with mine. She gives me a squeeze; I give her a squeeze. She looks at me, and our minds intertwines like our hands have already done.

Then, she looks down again, at the words in her hand. While she reads them, I hold her hand.

And eventually, I hold all of her.

_____
a/n: the last chapter will be up in a couple of days. i'm kinda excited and kinda sad.