here without you

20

It's Sunday, meaning Funday. But today's Funday isn't just a regular one. Today is the 18th. Exactly four months ago, a couple of weeks before summer break, Olive took her own life. No one mentions it, but I'm sure we all know.

I hate every 18th day of the month. I know it's only a date, but it's like the number is reminding me of what I have lost. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but that's how I feel; I can't help it.

My mother decided we should go out eating this time, so she picked out a restaurant to go to. It's a pretty weird way to handle this day if you ask me, but no one does ask me.

We're in the car. Music is playing because my parents don't know about my dislike of it. I haven't told them about it since I don't think they'd understand.

Out of all songs that could have played it must have been one about grief by Bastille, a British band Olive was obsessed with. I stare out of the window, trying to block out the music as good as I can. Of course, it doesn't work, and the singer's words reach me anyway.

"Every minute and every hour
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more
Every stumble and each misfire
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more"

I don't have a choice but to think of my sister when I hear those words. I sigh, but my parents don't notice since they are busy arguing about something.

After what feels like hours, but must really be minutes, we finally arrive. I leave the car, slightly relieved, but not entirely because I'm sure this won't be a "Funday" at all.

My parents and I sit down at our table, ordering our food. I take a look at the room and the people in it. It's an expensive, modern looking restaurant with a pianist. There are some couples, friends, and also other families. As I'm looking around, my eye catches a red headed family a few tables away from ours. It's Jade and her family. What are the odds of that?

There's Jaxon and his father, who looks like an older version of him, and there's also a pretty woman, who must be the stepmother Jade has mentioned to me. Even though they are quite far away, I can hear Jade's unique laugh. I notice all of them are laughing, and all of them are talking with each other.

Jade doesn't see me, and I don't try to make myself noticeable. I don't want to disturb what looks like a happy family having dinner with each other. I just want to end this dinner and also day as quick as possible, preferably without any fight.

Our meals arrive, and we start eating. Nobody talks much, especially not me. My father tells us something about work, and my mother asks him a few questions. She notices I'm not talking, so she directs a question at me.

"So Roze, how was the game yesterday?"

"Oh, it was... good," I say. "We won." The second part of it isn't even a lie. Nate told me about it when he called me asking what happened.

"It's good you're going again."

She wants to know if Jack was playing too, so I tell her he did.

"Don't you want to invite him over some time?"

I choke on the water I'm drinking. "Why would I do that? We're not together anymore, you know that." I try to stop coughing and reach out for my napkin.

"But he seemed like a nice guy," my father says. "Why did you two break up again?"

"We just... We had a few disagreements." For example, sleeping with other people isn't okay.

"Well, surely a few disagreements can be fixed," my mother says, her eyebrows raised.

I'm pretty sure she wants me to get back with Jack. Maybe it's because she thinks it'd be good for me to have someone to rely on right now - only the thing is that I can't rely on Jack. There are good things about him, but he wasn't a very good boyfriend, not only because he cheated on me.

"You know," my mother says, "your father is right. Jack seemed like a very nice boy. I liked him."

"That's good for you, Mum."

"And," she says, "you did too, didn't you, Roze?"

"No, Mum. I actually despised him, which is why I went out with him for more than four months."

"Roze."

"Mum."

She clicks her tongue and lets out a short breath. "I don't quite understand you, Roze," she says. "I don't understand why you would just end four months of dating."

"Because."

"Because what, Roze?"

"Because... Mum, the last thing I want right now is a bloody boyfriend, okay?"

"Language, Roze!"

"Sorry, Dad."

For a moment no one says anything. I hope we're done talking about Jack and me - but we're not.

"But you seemed to be so happy with Jack," my mother says.

I don't want to be with Jack, and I don't want to talk about him. This whole conversation - this whole day - is getting on my nerves.

"Well, maybe that's the thing. Maybe I only seemed to be happy with him." I get up. "Just like Olive seemed to be happy. But she wasn't, was she? We might have all thought she was happy, but she wasn't! She was the fucking opposite of it."

Several heads are turned into our direction, but I don't care. I tell my parents I need some air and take my coat, leaving. They don't go after me, and I'm glad they don't. When I walk out I see Jade. Our eyes meet for a brief moment, but I don't stop.

I stand outside, in front of the restaurant. There are a few other people, talking with each other and taking phone calls. It's cold, but right now I'd rather freeze to death than go back there.

I take out a pack of cigarettes from my coat. I wouldn't call myself a "real smoker", but every now and then I do smoke, usually when I'm stressed. I light the cigarette, take a deep drag and feel the smoke spreading in my lungs.

There's a young couple a few metres away, arguing with each other. I watch them while I smoke, trying to find some distraction. Behind me, I hear someone approaching.