here without you

37

Tuesday, the 18th of October.

Today, it has officially been five months. I guess it's no surprise that I woke up from another nightmare this morning. I've considered pretending to be sick, but I told myself to get over it.

It's just a bloody date in a calendar, nothing more.

It seems like I don't feel comfortable in anything today, because right now I'm changing my outfit for about the fifth time. In the end I settle on an all black outfit. Black boots, black jeans, black sweater, black coat, black handbag.

I'm looking at my reflection in the mirror, when I see Jade's appearing in it. I turn around to her. She's standing in my room, a cup of coffee in each of her hands and a wide smile on her face.

"Morning, Snow White."

"Hi."

It's the shortest reply available, and it doesn't seem to contain any sort of emotion at all. Jade frowns, walks over to me, and hands me a coffee.

"Maybe this will make you feel a bit better."

Yeah, right.

I take it and thank her, even though I don't feel like drinking it at all.

We leave my house and get into Jade's car. She starts chatting about something - I don't know what, because I'm not listening. I'm not sure if she realises.

What I do take in, however, is the music on the radio. I'm slowly getting used to music again, and it's easier for me to be around it if Jade is too. Yet right now some happy song is playing, and I don't know how, but it sounds like the most annoying thing to me. I literally slam the button which turns it off.

"What is up with you?"

"Nothing is up with me."

I'm not looking at her, but at some display in her car. I notice it has the date on it, and I'm not sure what that makes me feel. It's a mixture of rage, annoyance, and pain.

"Roze?"

I don't answer her. I'm too busy staring at the date - so busy, that it takes a while for me to notice Jade has stopped driving. She has pulled off to the side of the road.

"Shit," she says. "Today is the 18th! I'm so stupid, I forgot. I'm sorry, Roze. Why didn't you say anything to me?"

I take my eyes off the date and look at her. Although I think it's nice of her that she remembers, it doesn't help me. It doesn't help me at all.

"Jade, you don't have to be sorry. But maybe I should be. I'm just overdramatic. I'm sorry." My voice is sounding like the one of a robot.

I hope she will just accept my apology, and that she will just let it go - but of course she doesn't.

"What are you even saying? You're not overdramatic. You have every right to feel this way, okay? Roze, you..."

And then, it's like my mind just blanks out. I hear her talking, but I don't take in what she's saying; maybe I'm not focusing enough. I do know she's trying to comfort me, but her words don't seem to matter. I want her to stop because it's pointless anyway. She can't reach me. So I just yell at her, interrupting her.

"Can we just not talk about this?" Jade looks at me, something like shock on her face. I know I should stop right now if I don't want to completely mess it up, but it feels like I can't control my thoughts, or emotions, or anything at all. Everything I've been trying to hold back just seems to come out.

"I'm really fucking tired of talking about my dead sister. Just stop it, it is fucking annoying." I see her opening her mouth. She wants to say something, but I don't let her. "Jade, I really don't want to talk about anything at all right now, so do me a favour and shut up!"

I turn away from her. She doesn't say anything. I hear her starting the engine again. I didn't think I could feel even worse, but now that I yelled at Jade I do. I know she's trying to help me, and I took my anger out at her when I know none of it is her fault. I feel tears building up in my eyes, but I'm able to hold them back.

I stare out of the window. I see trees, people, and houses flashing by, over and over again. They all look the same to me, until I notice a lovely blue house. It's the one of Jade and her family.