here without you

64

I have walked to Mr Andrews' office about five times today. As soon as I was close enough to knock at the door, I kept walking, straight past it. Something inside of me is still telling me that I'll be fine on my own. That I can handle all of this - whatever this is.

I manage two periods and two breaks without running into Jade. But then there is French class.

I walk into the classroom, late, because I used the short break to smoke cigarettes outside. I try to tell Madame Laurent an apology, but thanks to my French skills it doesn't work very well. Her tone is quite cool when she tells me to take my seat, which is strange. Usually Madame Laurent loves yelling at students, especially at me. She has never liked me very much, which has most probably to do with my inability to speak French.

Maybe it's strange, but one of the few things I like about her is that she doesn't treat me differently because of what happened to my sister. She still treats me the same as she always has, and although that is not very nicely, I'm - most of the time - glad about it.

I start walking to the last row, to the seat I normally sit in, but then I hesitate. Jade has always sat next to me in French class, which means right now the seat to her left is empty, waiting to be taken by me. Yet I'm pretty sure Jade doesn't want me next to her, and I'm fully sure it will be uncomfortable for both of us if we sit next to each other.

Right now her blue eyes are watching me, probably knowing what I am thinking. However, I don't get any time to come up with a solution. Madame Laurent snaps at me to sit down, her voice sharp and loud. She says some more things, but I don't understand them. So I continue walking, and I take the seat next to Jade.

At first I just stare straight ahead at Madame Laurent, then out of the window when my mind realises it can't keep up with her French words. The truth is all my mind can focus on is the girl sitting next to me. I haven't been this close to Jade since our break up, and it is affecting me worse than I could have ever imagined.

She seems to smell even better than she normally does, which I didn't think could be possible. Maybe that is why I have stopped looking out of the window, and my eyes have traveled over to Jade instead, who is looking straight at the board. I wish she would look at me, and at the same I'm scared she will.

She is close to me, yet she couldn't be further away from me.

She looks so beautiful it almost pains me. Or maybe it actually does, I don't know. All I know is that her long red hair looks so soft that all I want to do is touch it. She has tucked it behind her ear, revealing the shape of that one. I have always found Jade's slight dumbo ears extremely cute, but right now they are looking cuter than ever. My eyes move from her ear to her lips. Just like her hair they look soft as well, which causes me to remember just how soft they really are. I think back to what kissing them feels like, and then I think about what kissing other parts of her feels like. I think of the sound of her laughter, and how much joy it could give me. I think of the sound when she told me 'I love you', and how that could make me feel. I think of how she looked at me, with those blue eyes of her, and about the feeling she was able to give me. The feeling that the person I am is more than enough.

I'm lost in memories about Jade when suddenly, she does what I was hoping and also not hoping she would do. She turns her head. Blue eyes meet brown eyes. I immediately break off our eye contact. My heart is aching, but at the same time it's beating unusually fast.

Madame Laurent notes down some exercises on the board for us to do. I look at them, and they give me the familiar feeling that she hates me and would do anything to make me suffer.

She has written down three questions for us to discuss with the person sitting next to us, which in my case is Jade. As though to try to make talking to her even worse, Madame Laurent has chosen the worst questions possible. Of course, they are all in French, but I manage to understand the meaning of them.