here without you

15

Jade and I settle on going to a coffee shop which isn't too far away. As I start driving, she puts on some music, which I immediately turn off again. She gives me a perplexed look.

"Um... You don't like music?"

"I do... I just..."

I feel my skin turning hot. The only person who knows that I've been avoiding music since Olive's death is, of course, Nate.

Jade waits for me to go on. I'm not sure if it's because she doesn't realise I don't want to talk about it, or if it's just something else.

"Well, I just don't like listening to it... not since... you know...."

My eyes are on the road, but I feel Jade looking at me. I don't have to mention that it's because of Olive - we both know it is.

"I guess that makes sense."

Her response isn't what I would have expected her to say. I thought she was going to think it's stupid or something because frankly, it is. Every normal person just listens to music, whereas I am almost afraid of it, and I don't even understand my fear of it.

She continues speaking, her voice calm. "There are a few things for me too that have changed since she's been gone."

I don't know if I should ask her about them. I'm curious, but maybe she doesn't want to talk about them. I don't want her to feel like I'm invading her privacy. But there's no need to worry about that - she just tells me.

"I never wanted to be a cheerleader," Jade says. "It was Olive's idea to do it together, so I agreed. It did turn out to be fun, but now..." She pauses, finding the right words. "It just feels kinda... wrong to continue without her. I know it's stupid. After all, it's just cheerleading."

She laughs, but there's something underneath her laugh. Somehow it sounds sad, if that's possible.

"Then why didn't you quit cheerleading?"

I'm not judging her. I'm only wondering how she does it. How she deals with the guiltiness, if that's what you can call it. I hope she realises that, and I feel like she actually does.

"I just don't think that's what Olive would have wanted... I don't think she would want us to give up on the things that make us happy." The tone of her voice changes, and her next sentence sounds bitter. "Of course, it's not like we could know what it is she wants. Not now."

I wonder if she's angry at her, like I am sometimes, for leaving us behind the way she did.

"Are you mad at her? For leaving?"

There is a moment of silence before she answers. "There were definitely times when I was, but then... I just kinda wasn't anymore. Instead of getting mad at Olive, I started getting mad at myself. I didn't help her, and I didn't even realise - not until it was already too late."

I only know too well what Jade is talking about, even though I wish I wouldn't. Right after my sister killed herself, there were times I was furious at her for leaving me. But then there were also time when I asked myself if it could have been my fault. Maybe I just didn't pay enough attention. I started feeling guilty, and to this day, I still don't know whether I am. In a way, aren't all of us?

Although Jade doesn't ask me how I feel, I tell her all of these things. It feels good talking about them; like I've kept them in, and now they're out. She's really listening to me, or at least that's what I think.

I'm finished, so I wait for her to say something - except she doesn't. That's when I realise it would have probably been better to say nothing.

"Fuck, I'm being a downer, aren't I? I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have started talking about my dead sister. No one likes that, I should have known."

"No! No, you're not being a downer. You shouldn't apologise. I was only thinking about what you said. It just felt... familiar."

I don't say anything. For a while both of us don't. I guess we're both thinking about Olive and how much has changed because she's gone.

There's almost no one at the coffee shop, so I quickly find a place to park. I put my hand on the door handle of the car, about to get out, when Jade holds me back.

She gently, yet with a quick movement, puts her hand on my arm. A strange feeling shoots through me, and I tell myself it's because she has never touched me before. It's that weird sensation of first physical contact.

"Roze, there's nothing wrong with talking about her, you know that, right? Because you should. You should talk about her. You shouldn't have to keep all of it to yourself."

I look at her. Her blue eyes contain a weird mixture of care, seriousness, and comfort, all at once. There's something else, but I can't put my finger on it. It makes me feel good, that's all I can say.

"Yeah, I know," I whisper.

It feels bizarre having someone actually care. I'm not used to it, but it definitely feels nice.

"I hope you do," Jade says. "If you ever want to talk with me, just tell me, okay?"

Maybe I'm interpreting too much into her words, but they make me feel as though I could talk to this girl at any time, and she would listen to me just because I'd want that.

So I tell her I will, and actually mean it. It's not like the times when my teachers have offered me help, or other situations where I don't want to be rude. I think this is different. And there's some part of me hoping it is.

_____

I'm standing at my locker, getting books out of it, a smile on my face.

"What are you so happy about?"

I turn my head and see Nate. He leans against the wall next to my locker.

"Nothing... I just skipped class."

He raises his eyebrows with disbelief. "With who? Clearly not with your best friend." Normally, we only ever skip class together, so I understand his curiosity.

"What, are you jealous?" I grin at him. "With Jade," I add.

"Jade Cadwell?" His voice sounds slightly puzzled.

"Well, do we know another Jade?" I roll my eyes at him, and he snorts.

"I'm just... Well, last time I checked, you thought she's annoying."

"Oh she can be," I say, laughing. "But she's actually cool."

We look at each other. Nate looks as if he doesn't believe me, so I tell him about Jade and me going to the coffee shop.

After we talked about my sister, I thought I had ruined the mood. Yet somehow, it ended up being fun. We talked about all sorts of stuff, and I realised it's surprisingly easy to talk with Jade. It turns out she actually has a great personality as well as a great sense of humour.

Nate still has that look of disbelief on his face, which is why I have to laugh.

"Don't worry, Nate. You're still my best friend."

"I hope so." He pulls a face, acting sulky.

I grin and put my French book into my locker and get out another one.

"Well, it's good though," he says. "You making friends... You really should because you pretty much don't have any - except me, but I don't count."

I take my book to slap his shoulder, and he lets out a laugh.

At this moment, I think I might actually feel happy. I haven't felt that for a while now.