here without you

60

I don't go to school. Instead I spend most of the day on the rooftop, thinking about how to tell Jade the truth - that I can't be with her anymore. In the end, I've decided to try to give Jade one last good day. We haven't had any of them in a while now, so I will try my hardest to make one happen for her. I'm not sure what the point of it is. Maybe I want the ending to be less painful for both of us, or maybe I'm telling myself that there is a chance this day will be good enough to erase all of the bad ones. Maybe it could be the turning point I'm desperately wishing for; when the flip finally switches back, and everything will be good again. I tell myself it will be, when deep down I know the truth. It won't be, and it shouldn't be.

I need to let Jade go at last. I can't make her happy.

_____

I open the front door, and Jade steps inside.

"Hey," she says. She smiles at me, but her eyes aren't smiling. It doesn't look real. I swallow, then I say, "Hey."

I hesitate a bit, but then I take her hand in mine. She seems to be surprised. I'm almost expecting her to let go of my hand - but she doesn't. She gently squeezes my hand with hers. It calms me, and at the same time it makes my heart beat faster.

As usual, her hand is warm, and I think, I will miss this. I will miss her warm hand in my cold hand. I will miss the warmth she's able to give me. But then I think, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve her, and I don't deserve her warmth. Someone else deserves both these things, and one day someone else will get both these things. Someone who I hope won't be as cold as I am. I hope whoever they will be, they will give her the warmth she deserves.

I tell Jade I want to show her something, and I take her upstairs. We're standing in front of the door to my room when I look at her and say, "It's a little stupid, but I... I hope you like it."

I open the door. We go in, still holding hands - I can't remember the last time we did. I look over to Jade. She's looking around, her mouth open. Finally, I see a smile appearing on her face. This time, it's her real one. Mouth and eyes smiling, and her dimples showing. I feel myself smiling too. It feels strange, as though my face isn't used to it.

Jade turns to me. "You built a blanket fort?" Pause. "For... me?"

"Yes. For you, Jade."

She gives me a kiss, and I feel her smile against my smile. It makes me both happy and sad. Happy because it's an unbelievably good feeling, and sad because it feels like ages ago we both smiled.

"It's not stupid at all. It's perfect," she says. "Kinda cheesy, but perfect."

We get into it, sit down. She still hasn't let go of my hand. Her eyes move to the fairy lights, to the pillows, and then to the plate filled with cupcakes. I see a frown appearing on her face.

"Don't tell me you baked them."

"You could say I tried to," I say. "Charlie helped me, so that they wouldn't taste like rubbish and I wouldn't burn down the kitchen."

Jade laughs, and it's another thing which feels almost unfamiliar and another thing I know I will miss. I will miss her laugh. Her warming, lovely, infectious, laugh. I will miss it.

She looks at me, saying, "Charlie helped you? Well, I guess that explains why there are really pretty ones and kinda ugly ones."

Now I have to laugh too. It's the first time in what feels like ages. It feels strange, but good. "Thank you," I say.

"I should thank you. All of this is... It's just unbelievably cute of you."

She gives me another kiss.