here without you

50

I stare at the Cadwell's front door, asking myself whether this really is a good idea. If Jade wanted to see me, she would answer my messages. Doesn't this mean she doesn't want to see me?

I tell myself to stop acting ridiculous, and I ring the doorbell. I stand there, waiting for someone to answer it.

Maybe I should just go home.

The door is opened, and in front of me stands Jaxon.

"Hey, Jaxon. I'm... I wanted... Um, can I..."

"...come in?" He grins at me. "Sure. Of course you can."

I enter their house. Jaxon turns to me and says, "She's in her room. I don't know what's up with her, because she won't talk to me."

That's a terrible sign. If Jade won't even talk to Jaxon, something must be seriously wrong. I can't help but think it is my fault.

"It's good you came. I guess Jade would talk about it with you."

"Huh."

He tells me he's in the living room if I need anything, and I take the stairs to go to Jade's room. I knock at the door. From inside I hear her saying, "Go away, Jaxon!"

I hesitate, but then I open the door, carefully. Jade is curled up in her bed, Blue next to her. When she sees me, she sits up.

"Roze? What are you doing here?"

"I'm..." What am I doing here? "...visiting you."

Blue jumps off her bed, running towards me. I get down to pat him. Jade is still sitting in her bed, looking at me. I can't tell how she feels about me being here.

I get up again. I just stand there for a moment, deciding what to do. Then, I walk over to her and sit down on her bed, close to her, but not too close. Blue gets on the bed too, laying down next to us.

Jade averts her gaze from me and looks at her dog instead. I look at her. Her eyes are slightly red, which tells me she must have cried. The thought of it is just bizarre. I have never seen Jade crying, and I can't imagine her doing it.
She simply seems too strong to cry. Of course, it's stupid to think that. Everyone cries. Although I don't know the reason why Jade did, I do know that I am partly to blame - or maybe entirely.

"Jade? I'm really sorry." She looks at me. "You were looking out for me, and you were trying to protect me from Jack, and I was..." I shake my head. "Well, I don't even know what I was doing. I was just being stupid, I guess. I should have told Jack off because what he said really wasn't okay."

Jade is still looking at me, saying nothing.

I totally fucked up.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You are sorry?" She laughs, almost hysterically. "Really? You come here, and you tell me you're sorry?" She shakes her head, and then she quietly adds, "You're too good, Roze. You're way too good."

"I... I don't think I understand."

Jade looks at me, her blue eyes serious and almost sad.

"You don't have to be sorry - at all. There's nothing you did wrong, Roze."

I stare at her for a while, still not comprehending any of this. She sighs, and says, "You really don't get it, do you?"

It seems like a rhetorical question, so I don't say anything. There's no doubt that her eyes are looking sad now.

"Roze, I..." I see her biting her lip. She continues to talk, but she doesn't look at me. "The truth is that I'm not better than Jack at all. In fact, I'm just as bad as he is." I want to say something, but it looks like Jade isn't finished yet. She looks up now, her eyes looking into mine.