here without you

21

"Do your parents know you smoke?"

Of course it's Jade - who else would it be?

"Sure they do. They buy me cigarettes all the time."

She lets out a short laugh and comes closer, stopping right next to me. I notice she's wearing a lovely dress and more make up than usual. I realise, she looks really pretty - but then I realise, she always does.

"Who's that couple you're stalking?" Jade says.

"Well, her name is... Amanda and his is... It's Charlie."

"Are you sure?" She looks at me, questioning. "I feel like he looks more like a John."

"Yeah, I think you're right."

"I think I definitely am."

"Right. You definitely are," I say. "His name really is John."

"So tell me something about them," she says. "I mean, since you're stalking them, you should be able to tell me why they're fighting, right?"

"Right."

"Well, then go ahead and tell me."

I think for a second, then I say, "Well, Amanda just caught John cheating on her, so she's mad, but at the same time she doesn't care because she doesn't even know if she actually likes him. See, they've only been dating for a couple of months, and although she does think she's in love, she isn't sure whether she really is. And well, that may or may not be because their sex isn't as good as she was hoping it would be."

Jade lets out a laugh. "I get the feeling Amanda's name is really Roze and John's is Jack." She raises one of her eyebrows.

"Maybe," I say, shrugging.

Apparently, what happened in the restaurant is still bothering me. Yet somehow, Jade is able to distract me without even knowing it.

"So the sex with Jackass was bad then?"

I start turning red. "It wasn't bad, but... Let's just say it was... It wasn't phenomenal. I don't know." I shrug. "It's not like I have anyone to compare it to." I feel myself turning even redder.

"You only ever slept with Jackass?" She looks at me, surprised.

"Well, I guess not everyone can have a love life as exciting as yours, Jade."

"You mean not everyone can be a slut, right? I know what people think of me."

"I don't think you're a slut."

"Well, that's really sweet of you. Thank you very much, Roze."

"You are very welcome, Jade."

Her mouth curves into a grin, which I easily return.

"You know, I didn't expect this of you," she says. "You literally look like a fucking model - you're ridiculously gorgeous. It's stupid, but I just figured..." She shrugs.

Jade thinks I'm 'ridiculously gorgeous'?

"So... I heard what you said inside. About not wanting a boyfriend, and about Olive," she says, changing the topic of our conversation.

"Well, I guess it must have been pretty difficult not to hear me."

"Yeah, you were pretty... loud." She looks at me, her blue eyes that special mixture of calming and kind. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Surprisingly, I think I actually want to. Maybe it's just that strange effect Jade has on me. That I can trust her because she actually cares, or something like that. I'm not quite sure what it is.

"It's only because today..." I pause. "It's been four months since, you know..."

"Oh. I didn't realise... I'm sorry."

"No, that's totally fine. I just have this weird obsession with the date. Well, it's not an obsession. I just... I really hate the 18th. For obvious reasons, I guess."

She waits for me to continue, so I just tell her. I tell her all about what my family looks like right now, if you can still call it a family.

First of all, there is my mother, who desperately holds on to the past when Olive was alive. She wants things to go back to how they used to be, so she does everything she can to remind us of that time. Then, there's my father, who handles things pretty much the opposite way my mother does. He acts as if none of it has ever happened, and there's nothing he hates more than to talk about his dead daughter. And me? I'm not sure what I am doing, or what I want. It's sort of a mixture between what both of my parents want. I want to forget Olive, yet I don't ever want to let her go. And I know I can't.

"Pretty depressing, isn't it?" I say. I let out some sort of laugh, and I put the cigarette to my mouth, taking another drag.

"It was kinda like that when my mum died," Jade says. "My dad didn't like talking about her, but Jaxon kept bringing her up. And I... Well, I don't know. Maybe I was like you. A mixture of both of them."

I don't know what to say. Suddenly, Jade takes my hand. I feel warmth spreading in my entire body, even though it's cold outside.

"It does get better, Roze," she says. "At first it's hell, but it gets easier. I promise you, it gets easier."

Her words actually make me feel better, and it's strange. They're just simple words. Words which I have heard a lot of times before and which never meant much to me. Yet hearing these words coming from Jade means something to me, maybe because they mean something to her too. I don't often experience that someone can comfort me because of what happened to Olive, but Jade manages to - more than once already.

Before I can answer, she lets go of my hand and turns away from me, facing the entrance of the restaurant. I don't know why, but for some reason I take in the cold again. I turn to the entrance of the restaurant too, and I realise my mother has come outside to look for me. While Jade greets her, I quickly toss my cigarette on the ground and step on it.

"Your father left. Something at work came up," she says. "What's that smell?" She looks around, sniffing.

"Must be from the couple over there," Jade says. She looks at me, a slight grin on her face.

My mother proposes to go home. Before we leave we say goodbye to Jade, and my mother tells her to come by sometime. She says she'd love to, and I hope she actually will.