here without you

30

I take a look at the clock on my bedside table. Shit. I'm about 2 hours too late for school. I couldn't find any sleep since the memory of Olive was haunting me in my dreams again. Last night, images of Jade joined her, which I guess is no surprise.

I still haven't talked to her since our fight, even though there's nothing I want more right now. I want to know if what Stephanie said is true, and what that means. But I simply couldn't build up the courage to confront her with it. Every time I see Jade, I hear her saying "Just stay away from me", which isn't exactly encouraging.

I consider staying home, but it in the end I decide not to. I get ready and drive to school. I'm on my way to class when something catches my eye and causes me to stop. I step closer. The first thing I think is that this must still be a dream - or a nighmare, I should say.

The wall in front of me is filled with pictures showing Olive. Her smiling, her laughing, her joking. It's her everywhere. On some of them I see other people, on some of them I see myself. There are notes left by fellow students, which tell everyone how much Olive is missed.

I bet none of you even cared.

It makes me sick, seeing all of these photos and notes and being reminded of her that way. I'm sure most of them didn't even care. But I know I did, I did so fucking much. Yet it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.

I see a picture with her and Mackenzie, smiling. Underneath it someone - I assume Mackenzie - has put the words 'miss you so much'.

She wasn't even friends with that hypocrite.

It drives me crazy, so I tear it down. Before I think about it, I tear down another one, and then another one. I tear down all the pictures, until there are none left. I feel tears streaming down my face, and I hate it. I hate missing her, and I hate wanting her back. I need her, more desperately than I ever have since she's been gone, and it kills me that she isn't here.

I can't stop crying, and there are bits of photos everywhere around me on the floor. I know I look like a maniac right now, but I don't care.

All of a sudden, the bell rings. The other students come out of their classrooms, stopping when they see me. They from some kind of circle around me, looking at me, whispering, talking. I feel like a trapped animal which is being stared at.

"Hey! What is going on here? Who did this?"

Principle Kane pushes himself through the crowd of students, until he gets to me. I see the realisation that I did this forming on his face. In a calm, yet loud voice he tells all students to leave and me to come with him to his office.

I follow him since I don't have another choice. He opens the door for me and asks me to take a seat. I'm no longer crying, but I know I must be looking like a mess. Who am I kidding? I don't just look like a mess - I am a mess.

"Well, I suppose you didn't like the wall we arranged for your sister then."

It makes me laugh, and I'm sure that makes me seem even crazier.

The tone of his voice changes to a more serious one. "I have to apologise, Miss Foxton. We genuinely thought this was a good idea, the other teachers and I."

"Guess it wasn't."

"No, you're right. It wasn't. I'm very sorry."

"You don't have to be, Sir... I... I'm sorry about destroying it, I just -"

"No, that's alright. I understand."

I'm not sure why he asked me to come with him. I consider if it was alright if I asked him to go. However, I can't, because he continues talking.

"Some of your teachers show concern about you, Miss Foxton. I have to admit that I do too."

What am I supposed to say - thank you?

He proposes that I should see the school counselor, but I tell him I don't want to. I don't want and can't talk about Olive, especially not with a person I barely know. I don't tell Principal Kane about that, but maybe he understands. He sighs and tells me that if I want to, I can go home now, so I do.

The other students are in class right now, and I couldn't be happier about that. I get in my car and drive home. I try to make my way upstairs to my room as quiet as possible, but my mother still notices me.

"Roze? Is that you? What are you doing home this early?"

Her eyes widen the moment she sees me.

"What happened to you?"

"Just... Nothing."

My voice sounds as if I have cried the entire day - which I sort of have -, and I'm sure my face doesn't look any better.

Of course she doesn't believe me. She steps closer to me, hesitates. Then, she puts her arms around me. It feels like ages ago when she last hugged me, but it feels good. After a while, she lets go of me.

"Roze, tell me what happened."

I tell her, and while I do I start crying again. She tries to comfort me, but I'm not sure it works. All I want is to be alone right now, so I ask her if I can go to my room. She tells me I can.

I'm at the stairs, when I turn around to her again.

"Mum? Thank you."

She gives me a smile, and I think it's the saddest smile I have ever seen.