here without you

53

What do I do now? I consider calling Jade or Nate after all, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to speak to them. I don't want to speak to anybody - except Olive. But Olive is dead, and I can't and won't ever speak to her again.

For a while I just sit there, my arms wrapped around my legs, and my forehead rested on my knees. I don't cry. I don't know why, but I don't.

Eventually, I look up again. Next to me, on my bedside table, I see some of Olive's books. I take the one on top of the pile, just wanting to hold something in my hands I know she once held in hers.

It's The Hunger Games. I remember having reread my own copy which she got me, instead of the one belonging to her. I flick through her book, and then I see it, on one of the first few pages. There is only a single sentence underlined, with bright red ink.

"Leave? How could I leave Prim, who is the only person in the world I'm certain I love?"

Why did she underline this? What does this mean? I quickly flip through the rest of the book, but there's nothing else marked. I go back to the page, and I read the underlined part again. And then another time, until it hits me.

Prim is her sister.

Does this mean what I think it does? Is this how Olive felt about me, her sister? Is this some sort of message from her to me? If this really is what she felt, then it means she loved me, and that she didn't want to leave me.

But I don't deserve her love.

I forgot about today, the 18th. I forgot that since today it has been half a year without her here. I felt so happy that I forgot about her, and the fact that she wasn't happy. She wasn't happy at all, and I never noticed. I never noticed that she was in pain. I never noticed that she needed help. I never noticed that she was dying, right in front of me.

My only sister killed herself, and I am still here, enjoying life. How could I have fallen in love and be happy when she will never do these things, or anything at all, ever again? How could I just completely forget about her?

There is no way she loved me, and if she did, she shouldn't have. Clearly, I am a coldhearted person and a terrible sister. Maybe I understand it now, why she left. She left because no one truly cared. Apparently, not even me.

I feel a tear making its way down my cheek. I put the tips of my fingers on it, wiping it off, when suddenly, the door to my room is opened. I look up, and I see Jade and Nate standing in the doorway. I just stare at them, not understanding what's going on. I know Jack didn't call them, so how do they know?

Jade immediately walks over to me and sits down in front of me. I see Nate putting my coat and handbag on a chair before sitting down on my bed too.

"What... Why are you two here?"

"Why are we here?" Nate snorts.

"Seriously? Why do you think we're here?" Jade says. "Jaxon told us what happened."

They both look at me, worried. I appreciate them coming, but I don't want them here. Not right now. I just want to be left alone, and I don't think they could make me feel better, anyway. I don't think that anyone could.

"You should be in class right now." It's the only thing that comes to my mind.

"Yeah, well, so should you." Nate snorts again, but he's still looking worried, just like Jade is. She puts her hand on mine. It feels good, warming and so familiar. I want it to stay there, but I tell myself that if it will, the rest of her will too - and that is the last thing I want. I simply can't deal with company right now.

I withdraw my hand. Before either of them can start asking any questions, I say, "I'm fine. There was really no need for you two to come here. I don't know what Jaxon told you, but I left maths because I felt sick, and that's all. You should go back to school again."

I'm sure all of us know I'm lying, but neither of us says anything. I see Jade and Nate exchanging a look. Finally, Nate looks at me, and he says, "So you're saying that you're fine, even though you almost broke down at school?" Pause. "Roze, we know what today is."

Of course they do.

Suddenly it makes sense why Jade was surprised when she saw me this morning. She was surprised because I was happy when what I should have been was sad, or angry, or irritated - just anything else but happy. She remembered, just like Nate did, and even Jack. It looks like everyone knew what today is. Everyone, except me.

"And we met Jack on his way out," Jade says. "He told us what happened. He told us about... your break down."

I know that both of them care about me, and I know that both of them are worried about me, but I can't talk to them about this. All I want is to be alone, so that I can let out all of the emotions I've been trying to keep in ever since I've realised what day it is today.

"I did not have a break down," I say. "I just felt sick, and now I'm fine again. Today might be the 18th, but I am fine. I'm completely, totally fine."

Jade and Nate exchange another look with each other. I know they don't believe me - but maybe they don't even need to. Maybe I can just tell them to go, and then they will. I desperately need them to because I don't think I can hold back anything for any longer.

They look at me again, and Jade wants to say something to me.

"Roze -"

"I'm fine, okay? In fact, I couldn't feel any better!"

I force myself to smile, and I try my best to make it look real. Nate wants to take my hand, but I move away from him, from both of them.

"Just go!" I feel the smile - or whatever it is - fading from my face. "Both of you, just go. I don't want to talk with either of you. Thank you for coming, but I don't need you here. I just need..." I shake my head. The next time I speak my voice sounds teary, making it obvious to all of us just how fine I am not. "Just leave me alone... Please... I just... I just can't..."

I turn away from them, and I try not to cry, as good as I can. I hear them talking with each other, their voices low. After a while one of them gets up and walks over to me. I look up, and I see Nate. He touches my shoulder, gently. He plants a kiss on top of my head, and then he goes. I watch him leaving my room.

I stare at the door for a few seconds before remembering Jade still sitting on my bed. I look at her.

"You should go too."

"No, I shouldn't. And I won't."

"Jade..." I shake my head.

She slowly moves closer to me. "I won't go, Roze," she says. "You don't have to talk with me if you don't want to, but I'll stay here. I'll stay here with you."

I just look at her, and I don't know what to say. I don't know if she's making me feel better or worse right now. She puts her hand on mine. This time, I let it stay there.

I look down at it. "Jade..." I look up at her again, into her blue eyes. She waits for me to continue. I want to tell her about my feelings, and at the same time I don't want to. It feels like there is something holding me back. I'm too ashamed to admit the truth - that I forgot about my dead sister - even though I'm sure she knows. She knows, and she is here anyway. She should be disgusted by me, like I am disgusted by my own self. She should not be here, but I can't help but find it a little comforting.

She moves even closer to me, and then I just let it happen. I let her comfort me because I can't take it anymore.

My head ends up on her neck, and she wraps her arms around me, holding me. A tear comes out of my eye, followed by another one, and then another one, until finally, I can't stop them anymore. Tears are streaming down my face, I am sobbing, and my whole body is shaking. I feel Jade holding me tighter. Her hand is stroking my hair, and her voice is telling me comforting words.

It's like something inside of me has broken, and as she is holding me, what I think is that if anyone could fix it, it would be her.