here without you

35

I'm sitting in maths class, starring at Cassie Williams. Knowing that Jade had a thing with her somehow changes the whole perspective I had on her. I just can't get my mind around the fact that Jade slept with her - or that there's even another girl Jade slept with. Maybe it would have been better for me not to find out, but at least it means Jade is honest with me. Still, it doesn't exactly boost my confidence.

I start questioning what I have going on with Jade even more than I already have. What if I'm just another one of her casual hookups? What if it's only the sex she's interested in and not actually me? It's pretty frustrating thinking about it, yet I can't stop doing it.

The lesson is over, and I follow the other students out of the room.

"You okay, Roze?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

I make my way to my locker, and he follows me.

"I just noticed you were looking at Cassie Williams pretty often today."

Fuck.

"Oh. Well, I really liked her outfit. Her shirt was pretty cool, and so were her trousers." I shrug. I open my locker, taking out a book.

"So you're saying it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that Jade used to sleep with her?"

"What?" The book drops out of my hand, but Jaxon catches it before it reaches the ground. "How do you know that?"

"Well, if you haven't known already, Jade is actually my twin sister. Surprise." He hands me my book.

"Very funny, Jaxon." He laughs. "So she told you about..."

"... you two? Yeah, she did."

I really wonder what exactly she told him - that she just wants to shag me, or that she actually likes me? I also wonder if she has told anyone else about us.

Maybe Jaxon realises I have all sorts of questions and worries right now because he says, "She likes you, Roze. And I mean a lot."

Is he just being nice, or is he telling the truth?

"If you say so."

"I do. And I like to think I know my twin sister pretty well."

I look at him. He seems to mean it, but I still have my doubts. I guess that's just the anxious me that I am. Before either of us can say anything else, Jade shows up, wide smile on her face. She asks us what we're doing.

"Talking," I say, and she rolls her eyes.

"About what?"

About you and your feelings for me.

I shrug. "Maths class, and how unbelievably horrible I find it."

"Let me guess, you didn't get anything, while Jaxon, being the annoying smartass he is, understood everything."

"Yeah, something like that," he says, looking at me.

He tells us he has to be somewhere and leaves us to ourselves. When he's gone, Jade asks me what I'm going to do now.

"Well, I assume the same as you. Gym class."

"You know what? Fuck gym class! Lets's skip. I know you hate it."

She does have a point; I can't stand gym class. Plus, the possibility of spending some time alone with Jade sounds pretty appealing to me. So I agree.

_____

Jade's car is parked near the coffeeshop. I'm about to get out when she says something, stopping me.

"So what were you really talking about with Jaxon?" She looks at me. "You know how to lie, but Jaxon really doesn't."

"We were..." I'm hesitating, but then I decide to tell her the truth. I don't think I want this - whatever it is - to be based on lies, so I tell her.

"So you think I'm not being serious with you," Jade says.

"Well... Are you?"

"Well, what do you think?"

She looks at me. I can't find anything, neither in her voice nor her face, which would tell me what she's thinking right now.

"Honestly? I have no idea." I sigh. "I... I really like you, Jade. And I like to think you like me too, but..." I shrug.

After a moment of silence, Jade starts speaking again.

"Roze, just because I haven't been too serious with relationships in the past, it doesn't mean I can't be serious now."

"I know. It's only... I'm sorry, I'm just really bad at trusting people."

I see her opening her mouth, about to say something, but I interrupt her before she can.

"And you are just so... I mean, you could probably have anyone - no, you definitely could. So why would you stick with me? Or even want me?"

I look at her. Her face is serious.

"I just do."

It's a simple, short answer. Yet, it is somehow enough for me.

She takes my hand, her touch warming and familiar by now.

"I know you find it hard to trust people, but I still really hope you trust me - because you definitely can. I told you I want you, and I meant it. I would have never started anything with you if I wasn't serious with you. Roze, you're not like the ones I used to date. You're different."

"So... you're serious with me?"

"Yes, idiot. In fact, I couldn't be more serious."

I feel the corners of my lips rising before Jade leans over to me and puts her mouth on them.