here without you

73

Oli,

maybe this is weird, and maybe this doesn't make sense, but I'm writing to you. There are so many things that I want to tell you about and so many things that have changed, and writing to you seems like the right way of letting you know about them.

I miss you, Oli. I miss you a lot, on some days more than on others. On some days, it feels like you are here, which maybe you really are since you have promised me, and you don't break promises. And sometimes I see you in my dreams, so I guess you must have found a way to get to me. I'm happy you did. I always love seeing you and talking to you.

On other days, the memories of you can get overwhelming. What I used to do then was smoking, way too much. Now, I don't smoke anymore, though I haven't given it up completely. I still smoke, but only very rarely. Quitting it wasn't too easy, but I'm glad I did. I have found other things to do when I'm not feeling well. What I like to do now is drawing, or I go boxing. I have started boxing mainly because of you, but I have continued it because I actually enjoy it. It hasn't really changed my physical appearance - I still look like a weak beanpole -, but mentally I feel stronger. (And I like to think I am.)

Other things I do when I don't feel well is spending time with my friends, Mum and Dad, or my therapist. Maybe you're surprised to hear about me seeing a therapist, or maybe you aren't - after all, you have asked me to see one. Since around the beginning of this year I'm seeing one, about once a week. At first I didn't like it that much, and I actually had to see two other therapists before finally settling on Dr Bob. He's a very kind man around the age of fifty with a great sense of humour. (My first shrink didn't get sarcasm at all.) At first talking to him felt difficult - and it still does sometimes -, but in the end it does feel good. So as usual, you were right. Seeing a therapist is actually helping me.

Since you have been gone, I have made several new friends, more than one of them girl friends. My friends are now Jade and Jaxon, Nate and Stephanie (who are a couple), and Jack and Mackenzie. I know the last one must come as a big surprise to you since both of us used to hate her. But Mackenzie - or Kenny, as I like to call her - is actually a very cool girl. She can be mean, and she can be rude, but she can also be caring. She has a good side, but she tends to not show it to people. I'm pretty sure you don't believe me, but I promise you it really is true, Oli.

I'm sure you remember her being best friends with Ashley Edwards, but apparently, they have never been very close. Kenny told me their friendship was rather superficial, and that they don't have much in common. After becoming friends with me, she did try to stay friends with Ashley, but ever since she asked Kenny why she's friends with 'that freak' - who is me -, she isn't friends with her anymore.

What I admire about Mackenzie is her courage and that she is very straightforward. Sometimes, she reminds me of you. She pushes me to do things, and despite our differences we get along great with each other. She likes to make fun of me, but she loves me and cares about me, even if she only very rarely likes to admit it. Mackenzie is sort of my female best friend now. If you would ask Jade though, she would tell you that she is my best friend. And maybe she's right, maybe she's my best friend - but she's also my girlfriend. And since I can very well imagine the look on your face right now: Yes, Oli, girlfriend with no space between girl and friend.

You were right in believing Jade would reach out to me after your death. You were also right in believing I wouldn't trust her at first, but eventually I did, and we became friends. And then, we somehow ended up falling in love with each other. At first it was very confusing (especially for me), and we had some ups and (very serious) downs as well as a break, but now we're a couple which has been very happily dating for several months.