here without you

59

Something is wrong, and Jade and I both know it. Yet, we are both ignoring it. I'm not telling her about what is going on inside of me, and she isn't trying to confront me about it anymore. Somehow we have silently agreed on pretending that everything is fine, even though things are getting worse with each day that passes.

No matter how hard I try I can't stop feeling whatever it is I'm feeling. Sometimes it feels like I feel too much, and sometimes it feels like I feel nothing at all. I miss Olive more badly than ever, and I can't stop feeling guilty for still being here. I feel like I'm hurting every single person I love, but that doesn't keep me from shutting everyone out, even Jade.

These past days I've been smoking too much, and I've been eating not enough. I'm reading my sister's books again, and I don't listen to music or draw anymore. During the day I often visit her grave, where I spend my time literally talking to a stone. And during the night I visit her room. I barely get any sleep, and if I do, it's often interrupted by me waking up for no apparent reason. The nightmares about Olive won't come back, and it makes me madder than it should.

A few days ago I went to a party with the purpose of trying to have fun, but of course I didn't have that. I ended up drinking myself almost senseless, so that the only thing I can remember of that night is that Jade took me home. Maybe it wasn't even her, but Jaxon. The only thing I can remember is a redhead - maybe one, maybe two -  taking care of me.

Pretty much everyone knows something is wrong, but I'm avoiding every person's attempt of confrontation. Every day I talk less and less, until finally, I feel separated from the entire world and the people in it.

In other words: I'm falling back into my old patters I thought I have got rid of. The switch inside of me is staying at miserable, and no matter what I do, it won't go back to happy or even just okay. I'm pretending that everything is fine, but every day it's getting harder to keep up the act, and I really don't know how much longer I can keep pretending.

_____

We are staying at the hotel tonight
Dinner is in the fridge

"Who's texted you?"

"It's my mother."

I get off Jade's bed, and she does too. She steps behind me, pushes her body against mine, and brushes my hair out of the way. She puts her mouth on my neck and starts caressing my skin, her kisses a mixture of gentle and rough. I close my eyes. Her mouth moves up my neck, to my ear, whispering, "Do you... want to stay?"

Yes.

I open my eyes. "I'm sorry, but I have to go." I pick up my clothes from the ground. I put them back on, while saying, "My mother made dinner, and well, you know she never does, so..."

I can't remember when this started - when I started telling lies like this to pretty much everyone, even Jade who I always thought I could never lie to.

"Oh. I see."

She doesn't seem very disappointed, and maybe that's because she got used to it by now. Since about a week we have been doing this almost every day. I came over, sooner or later we ended up sleeping with each other, and I left before we could talk about anything that matters.

"Well, tell her I said hi," Jade says.

"Yeah, I will."

My hand is on the door handle when I feel Jade putting her hand on my back. I turn around to her. She places her hand on my face, brushes her thumb across my cheek.

"I love you, Roze."

Why?

I stare at her. I swallow. "I love you too, Jade." I blink, and I give her the best smile I can manage. She smiles back at me, but her mouth and eyes aren't doing the same thing. Her smile looks sad.