here without you

67

Rozie,

I wish you wouldn't have to read this, and I wish I wouldn't have to write this to you. Yet you are reading this, and I am writing this to you. I am writing to you because there are things I want you to know and things I want you to understand.

First of all, I want to apologise. What I have done to you is unforgivable. And for what I have done I am truly sorry. I really wish things could have gone differently, but as we all know they didn't. I am sorry for how things ended, and I am sorry for the pain I know I am putting you through. I am sorry, Rozie.

I know you are asking yourself why. Why I did it, why I took my own life. And I would tell you - except I can't. There is no clear explanation for it. But I am going to try to explain it to you because you deserve to get some sort of explanation.

There was this thing inside my head. I don't know what it was. Maybe a voice, maybe a monster, maybe myself. It would tell and make me feel the worst things which exists. On some days I wouldn't really notice it, and on others it would be all I could hear and feel. I tried my best to push it away, but it kept coming back. Every time it came back it was hell, and it felt like it got worse with each time.

I know what you are thinking. Why didn't I tell anyone? Why did I keep it to myself? The answer is that I don't know. Not really. There were different reasons for why I didn't talk about it, and I'm not sure I even know all of them. But the probably biggest reason for why I didn't tell anyone is that I didn't understand it, and I didn't want to have anyone deal with it. It was pain which no one deserves. I know you would have wanted me to tell you, but I didn't want that. I didn't want to put you through it. No one deserved to be dragged into it, least of all you.

I can't tell you when all of it started, but at some point it did. It came, and it never went away. So I had to make it go away. I had to make it go away, even though I knew exactly what that would mean. It would mean hurting you and other people I love. But I needed it to stop. It was unimaginable pain which I can't put into words. No matter what I did, I wasn't good enough. There was always something missing, and at the same time it was all too much. I didn't feel like I belong. And I didn't. Not truly.

But I didn't always feel that way. There were times when I felt something like happiness. Most of these times were times spend with you. You gave me happiness, Rozie. For that I will always be grateful. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Mum and Dad gave me happiness too, just like my friends. Particularly Jade, Jaxon, and Nate.

Nate is your best friend, but in a way he was also mine. I wasn't as close with him as you are, but he was there for me, and I loved him, like you love him. Jade was probably my real best friend (apart from you). She was something like another sister to me, and Jaxon was like the older brother we don't have. The Cadwells were like another family to me.

Here comes the part when I have to reveal one of the very few things I kept from you. Remember when I told you about a boy I like? A boy who is different? I know you do remember, just like I do. I told you about him, and you looked at me. And you trusted me. I went out with a lot of boys - pretty much all of them jerks -, but you trusted me when I told you I think this one is different. You always trusted me.

This boy, Rozie, was Jaxon. He had always been like a brother to me, but then I started developing feelings for him, and I know I shouldn't have. He is the twin brother of Jade - who was my best friend -, and I would have ruined him. The worst thing about all of it is that I knew he liked me back. But I ran away. I first hurt him, and then I ran away. You know how bad I was at this whole dating thing. I sucked at it. I was scared, and it felt wrong. Jaxon is a real good guy, and I wasn't good enough for him. He deserves happiness, and I couldn't give that to him.