here without you

57

Thanksgiving.

It's the first one without Olive. The Cadwells have invited my family as well as Stephanie's and Nate's to their home to celebrate together. I didn't feel like going, but my mother insisted on it. So I put on a dress, makeup and a smile, and we drove over to their place.

Right now, all our four families are seated at the dining table. I'm sitting next to Jade and opposite Nate's father. I look over to my parents, and they actually look like they are having fun. Everyone is looking like they are - everyone but me. What I am doing is sitting there, pretending to have fun and playing with my food like a child.

"Roze, do you want some more mashed potatoes?"

I look up from my food and at Nate's father. I shake my head, smiling.

"I'm fine. Thanks, Jonathan."

Mashed potatoes were Olive's favourite food on Thanksgiving. They are also mine, but right now they're just making me think of Olive, just like everything else here.

"Well, I know how much you like them. Remember when..."

He starts talking about the mashed potatoes Michelle - Nate's mother, and his ex-wife - used to make and about other Thanksgivings our families spent together. I answer him, smiling and ignoring the pain inside of me.

Jonathan joins the conversation of Nate and Jaxon, and I go back to pushing my food around, thinking about last year's Thanksgiving.

We were celebrating at Nate's place with our families. Olive was there with us, sitting opposite me, and Nate's mother was there too. Back then both our families were whole. Now Nate's mother has left him and his father, and right now she is celebrating Thanksgiving with her new boyfriend and a new family. Olive has left us too. Only permanently.

"Roze?"

I look at Jade. She looks worried - of course she does. Because she is always worried, because of me and my problems.

"The food is really good," I say, smiling.

She scrunches her eyebrows together. "You haven't even touched it."

"Of course I have." I put some of it in my mouth, chew and swallow.

"Roze, are you -"

"I'm gonna go out to get some air."

I push back my chair and stand up. I mumble some sort of apology, take my coat, and leave the room. I'm at the front door when I notice Blue has followed me.

"Blue, what are you doing? Go back inside!"

He sits down, tilts his head, lets out a bark. I tell him again to go back inside, but again he doesn't listen to me. So I open the door just a tiny bit, step outside as quickly as I can, and shut it. From inside I can hear him barking.

I walk to a place where the others inside can't see me. I take out my phone, and because I can't get away from here without a car I call a taxi. They tell me they'll be there in about five minutes.

I'm considering smoking a cig when behind me I hear a dog barking. I turn around. Blue runs up to me, and he is followed by Jade. He jumps at me, so I kneel down to stroke him.

"Sometimes I feel like he loves you more than he loves me," Jade says.

Sometimes I feel like you love me more than I love you.

I get up. Jade is studying my face, frowning. I really hope I haven't said my thoughts out loud, but I have no idea whether I have.

"You should go back inside," I say.

"No, thanks. I'd rather be with you."

It makes me want to cry and scream and bawl. As always Jade wants to take care of me because as always I need to be taken care of.

She steps closer to me. "I thought maybe we could -"

"No. Thanks. I'm going home."

It feels like I'm slapping Jade in her face and also myself. There are a few seconds of silence before she says, "You're going home?"

"Yeah. I'm not feeling well. Maybe I'm sick."

Her eyes are looking at me. And I wonder what she sees. I wonder what she sees when she looks at me. Does she see a pretty, broken girl like everyone else? Or does she see past that? Does she see the real me? I believe she does, but I don't know who that is. I don't know who the real me is. And I don't know who, or what Jade sees in me. And I don't know why she loves whatever she sees. And I don't know why she would want to be with me when she would be happier with someone else.

I'm thinking of telling her this when she starts speaking again. "I miss Olive too," Jade says. "I was thinking of her because it's Thanksgiving, and she isn't here with us." She takes my hand. "I know this is really hard for you. And that's why you want to go home, isn't it? Because of Olive."

Yes. No. I don't know.

"Roze, I - "

I let go of her hand.

"No. It's not," I say. "It's not because of Olive. You know, not everything is about her. Not everything is about my dead sister. She might be dead, but that doesn't mean I can't be fine. I can be fine without her. I am fine."

Liar, Liar, Liar. Fucking liar.

"Roze, if you want to -"

"No! I don't want to, okay? Jade, I don't want to. I just don't want to. I don't... I want to.... anything. Please..."

Once again things are feeling like they are too much, yet not enough. And once again Jade looks at me with frustration because I don't give her what I should. I can't.

"You're not making any sense," she says.

Yeah, but what is?

Again, I have no idea whether I'm saying my thoughts out loud.

"Tell your dad and Nell thank you, will you?"

"You can tell them that yourself."

No, I can't. I just can't.

"Fine. Then don't tell them thank you. Just don't tell them anything. Don't tell them thank you if that is what you want. Do whatever the hell you want!"

"What? Roze -"

"Don't!"

I back away, turn around. I see the taxi which has arrived, and I run towards it, away from Jade. I hear her calling my name and going after me, but I manage to be faster. As soon as I'm inside the car, I tell the driver to start driving. I tell him the destination, and then I close my eyes. I see Jade's face and the way she looked at me. Confused, frustrated, hurt.

What have I done?

"Miss, are you okay?"

I open my eyes. I see the driver looking at me in the driving mirror.

I tell him the one lie I'm telling everyone, even myself.

"I'm fine."

_____

I pay the driver, and I get out of the car. I start walking, to the entrance of the graveyard. The graveyard where Olive is - or a tombstone with her name on it. I reach it, and then I stand there, staring at it.

"This is your fault. This is all your fault."

I immediately want to take the words back, but they're already out.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

I repeat it about a thousand times more, while I stand there. I stand there, and then I fall down on my knees, still repeating the words, knowing that it's pointless. Knowing that it won't change anything at all. Knowing that she can't hear me.

Because she is dead.