here without you

56

I light a cigarette - the forth one I had today, if I'm counting correctly. I'm starring at the school entrance, waiting for Jade to come out so that I can get home. I see Nate talking to Jaxon before he comes over to me.

"Don't you know it's unhealthy to smoke?"

I don't answer.

"What is it that's bothering you?"

"You."

"Ouch." He laughs; I don't. He frowns. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

Nate's eyes are scanning me. "I'm sorry I left on Friday," he says. "I figured it'd be better for you to be alone with Jade."

I shrug, fake a smile. "It's fine." It really is. I know Nate was trying to help me, like he always does. I didn't even mind that he wasn't there; it was nice to be alone with Jade. A thought hits my mind: I chose Jade over Nate, didn't I? And now I have offended, or even hurt him, my best friend.

I'm an awful friend.

"Was it... okay? The 18th?"

"Yeah, it was okay. I'm fine."

The truth is ever since the 18th something inside of me has cracked. I thought it was just me forgetting about the day that made me feel terrible. I thought it might mend. But it hasn't. A couple of days have passed, and I don't seem to be doing better. Maybe I'm even getting worse. It's like someone has flipped a switch, from happy back to miserable again.

"Roze, I..." Nate looks at his feet, then at me again. "I know we haven't been as close as usual since Steph and I started dating, and you and Jade..." He shakes his head. "I mean, I'm still your best friend, Roze."

"Yeah... So?"

I don't really understand why he's telling me this. Is he trying to say I'm not a good friend to him? Maybe he is, and maybe he is right.

"So I am your best friend, which means you can talk to me."

"Well, I am talking to you. I'm talking to right now, in this moment."

"You know exactly what I mean."

He's right, I do. But I can't. I can't talk to him. I can't talk to him, or Jade, or anyone. Something is preventing me from it, and maybe that's how it should be. I shouldn't bother everyone with my feelings.

"Nate, there is nothing to talk about. I'm fine."

I put the cigarette to my mouth, taking another drag.

"Seriously?" He lets out a sarcastic laugh. "All you've said to me since we started talking is 'I'm fine'. I know you're not fine. Roze, you are smoking right now."

"So? I'm smoking a cigarette. Wow, big deal, Nate!"

"Yes it is! Because you haven't smoked for weeks, so why are you doing it now?"

Because I forgot. Because my sister killed herself, and I'm still here. Because I can't love Jade the way she should be loved. Because I am a terrible friend, daughter, sister, and person. Because I feel like things are falling apart. Because I feel like I am falling apart.

I say none of it. I say nothing. Nate is looking at me, the same expression on his face I have seen on Jade's. The one I don't ever want to see on either of their faces. He cares about me, and I'm hurting him.

He takes a step forward. I take a step backwards.

"Nate, I'm fine," I say. "Please don't worry. There is nothing to worry about because I'm fine."