here without you

26

I just stand there for a few seconds, not knowing what to do. Then, my feet just seem to act on their own, taking me out of the bathroom. I hear Tyler calling after me, but I don't stop. I see Jade's red hair in a crowd. It looks like she's heading to the terrace.

"Jade! Wait!"

She doesn't, and I'm not sure if it's because she doesn't hear me, or because she doesn't want to. I manage to make my way through the people, open the door of the terrace and step outside to her. We stand there, having an argument.

"What do you want, Roze?"

She's looking at me, crossed arms and narrowed eyes. She's angry, and I don't understand why. What do I want? I don't know. I don't know why I followed Jade, and I don't know why I left Tyler upstairs.

"You should go back inside," she says. "I'm sure your boyfriend misses you."

"My boyfriend? Tyler isn't my boyfriend."

"Then why were you making out with him in a bathroom?"

"We were... I... Didn't you want that? Wasn't it you who told me to go out with him?"

"I told you to go out with him - I didn't tell you to have sex with him in a fucking bathroom!"

"Do you seriously think that? That I was gonna have sex with him in there?"

"Well, isn't that what you were going to do?"

I say nothing. I don't know what I would have done if Jade wouldn't have interrupted us. Maybe I really would have had sex with him, I don't know.

We stand there, just glaring at each other. She's mad, and so am I. How can she be angry at me for following her advise? She wanted me to go with Tyler, and now she's angry because I did. How does that make sense? A thought hits my mind, one that I haven't dared to consider - until now.

Could it be that Jade is having the same feelings I do?

Someone opens the terrace door and steps outside to us. It's Evan.

"We're gonna play Truth or Dare. You girls want to join?"

Jade stops looking at me and turns away from me. Instead, she looks at Evan. There's a smile on her face now, and it drives me mad. It drives me mad that he can make her smile, when I can't.

"Sure, count me in," she says, her voice a sweet tone.

I feel a sharp ache inside my chest. I know the voice she's speaking in, but I have never heard her using it for anyone else but me.

She's into Evan after all.

Evan turns his head to me, so I say, "Yeah, me too."

_____

We're sitting in a circle, on the floor of the living room. There's a bottle placed in the middle of all of us. So far, Tyler had to take off his shirt, and Mackenzie had to reveal the last person she slept with - it was Jack.

Right now, it's Jack's turn. He chooses Truth, and Mackenzie wants to know the name of the girl he had the best sex with. To be honest, it's a good question. I would like to know that too. Apparently, the others also do; all eyes are on him.

I wonder with how many of the girls in this room he has slept with.

His eyes meet mine.

"Roze."

Liar. Our sex wasn't that good, at least not for me. Most of the times, it was just him on top of me, inside me, moaning, and me pretending to enjoy it. But who knows? Maybe it's the truth for him, but I highly doubt it. I'm pretty sure he only said it because he thinks he still has a chance.

I hear some of them laughing, and I hear Mike saying, "Bet that wasn't the answer you wanted, was it, Mackenzie?" It makes me grin, even if it's Mike.

I see Jade looking at me, but she quickly looks away as soon as she realises I've noticed. I'm still mad at her, yet I can't help but wish she wouldn't have looked away. I avert my eyes from her and look at Jack instead, spinning the bottle.

The bottle spins around, until it lands on me. I choose Truth. I'm sure if I chose Dare, he would make me kiss him or something like that. He thinks for a second, then a grin appears on his face.

Please let it not be something stupid.

"Who did you have your first kiss with?"

The question actually makes me smile. When we used to date, Jack wanted to know this, and I kept letting him guess. He never found out, and I never told him. I knew he wouldn't like the answer.

"It was with Nate."

Of course, I still remember it. Back then I liked this guy who asked me out. I was worried he was going to kiss me, and I would be terrible at it. So Nate just offered me to practise kissing with him. Since we're so close it seemed like the most normal thing.

Some of them murmur things to each other, but I can't make out what they are saying. I guess it's probably better. Jack seems baffled and also slightly mad, while Nate has a cheeky grin on his face. Somehow, my eyes fall on Jade. I don't know why, but she seems mad too - I guess she's probably still mad at me for being with Tyler in that bathroom.

I take the bottle, spin it, and it lands on Stephanie. Like me, she chooses Truth. She seems nice, so I don't ask her anything too personal or embarrassing.

"If you had to go out with one of the guys in this room, who would you pick?"

Please say Nate.

She actually does, and Nate seems very happy about that. Tyler, who sits next to him, gives him a slap on the shoulder, laughing. I see his eyes traveling over to me, and I quickly look back to Stephanie, spinning the bottle. It lands on Evan, who has to make a prank call. After that, he takes the bottle and spins it. It's rotating, until it finally stops. It's pointing at Jade.

"Dare," she says.

Evan takes a moment to think.

"I dare you, to kiss..."

He looks around the room. For a second he looks at me, and for a second I ask myself again what it would be like to kiss Jade. For a second I want him to say my name, just so that I could find out. But he doesn't. Of course he doesn't.

"...me."

People are laughing. I hear some guy calling him savage.

I look at Jade, and I think there is only one thing I want right now. I want her to refuse the Dare, even though I know that's not possible. More than anything else right now, I want her not to kiss Evan.

"Totally fine by me," Jade says. She's looking at him, a smile on her face.

When I hear her say that, I feel a strange feeling in my heart. It's like it stops for a second, and then it cracks, just a little bit. I was wrong. She doesn't like me, at least not the way I like her - whatever way that is.

She gets up, and when she does, she looks at me for a brief moment. I don't know what she is thinking, and neither do I know what I am thinking. There are so many thoughts going around in my head right now, but the clearest one of all of them is that I don't want Jade to kiss him.

Evan places his hand on her neck, and I see her hands touching his face. I know exactly how soft her hands must feel to him because they touched my face too when she comforted me. She leans forward, and their lips touch. They kiss, and it's not just a peck. It's a full, intense, passionate kiss. It feels awkward and almost wrong to watch them, yet I can't look away. I feel my heart cracking a little more with every second that passes.

The others are snickering, and I really wish I could laugh with them. I really wish I could find this funny, but I just don't. It feels like hours before they back away from each other again, and by the time they have, my heart feels fully cracked.

If there had ever been a tiny part of me believing Jade feels the same way I do, it's definitely gone now. Jade doesn't want me. She wants him.