here without you

41

"You should really quit that habit - smoking when you're stressed or not feeling well."

"You know what you should quit? Trying to intimidate Jade."

Nate lets out a laugh. "I wasn't trying to intimidate Jade. I was just..."

"...pretty much labeling her as a slut? Yeah, well, that is so much better."

"That's not what I did either! I was just trying to help you."

"And how exactly were you trying to help me? By insulting Jade? If that is what you call helping me, I totally don't need your help."

I turn away from him. I go back to smoking my cigarette, hoping he'll go back inside.

"Come on, Roze, don't act all mad at me now. I really wasn't trying to insult Jade, I was just..." He puts his hand on my back. His voice changes to a calmer tone. "Roze, I just don't want you to get hurt another time."

I turn around and look at him. He must be talking about Jack. Maybe I really shouldn't be this mad at Nate. After all, I know he only wants to protect me.

"I'm sorry, Nate. I'm just..." I sigh. "I know you're looking after me, and I really appreciate that, but I'm not as helpless as you think. I can look after myself."

He looks at me for a while, then says, "No offence, but last time you said that your boyfriend turned out to be cheating on you."

"Okay, fine. Maybe I really can't look after myself. Maybe I'm just a dumb, naive fool."

"You definitely are."

He grins, and I have to grin too.

"But just so you know," I say, "you really don't need to worry about Jade. She isn't like Jack. She isn't like him at all."

"I really hope she isn't... And to be completely honest, I don't feel like she is." He looks down to the ground, then up at me again. "I'm sorry too, Roze," he says. "I really didn't mean to offend Jade or you. I just wanted to... Well, I don't really know. I guess I just wanted to make sure she's not fucking with you."

Well, she actually is fucking with me - literally...

I feel my face turning hot, and Nate's expression goes first from confusion, to surprise, and then to amusement. "Well, that is interesting. Were you going to tell me?"

"You mean whether I was going to tell you about... Jade and me..." His grin gets even wider. "Nate! You can't just... That's really personal!"

"Well, you did tell me about your sex life when you were with Jackass." He chuckles. "But you know that I'm just joking. It's fine, I guess."

He looks at me, and I know exactly what it is he's thinking. I sigh, while I roll my eyes.

"Alright, just say it."

"Was it good?"

His eyebrows are raised, and he's still grinning. I can't help but grin too.

"Yeah, it was... good."

"Just good? Or good?"

"Nate!" I punch his shoulder, and he starts laughing.

"It was..." I bite my lip. "It was... really good, okay?"

"Huh."

I can see that he's trying really hard not to laugh.

"Gosh, why am I even telling you this?" I shake my head, grinning. "You're such a weirdo, Nate. That's probably what your girlfriend thinks too now since you literally said the most weirdest things to Jade right in front of her."

"Well, she won't mind," he says. "Steph knows I only did that for you."

"What exactly do you mean by that?"

The smile on his face vanishes.

"Roze -"

Oh my gosh.

"You told her? You told Stephanie about Jade and me?" There's anger in my voice, but also some sort of pain mixed with fear.

I see Nate opening his mouth, but before he can say anything I say, "Why would you do that? It's none of her bloody business. She might be your girlfriend, but that doesn't mean you can just tell her things like that. You know, I -"

"I didn't," Nate interrupts me. "I didn't tell Steph anything about you and Jade. How can you even believe that?"

He looks hurt, which is how I know he's telling me the truth. I immediately regret my words.

"I... I don't understand. You just said -"

"Yeah, I know what I said. And Steph does know. She knows about you and Jade."

I still don't understand what's going on, so I ask him how she knows. He doesn't answer me, and he doesn't look at me either. Then it hits me.

"Jade told her?"

It's whispered, but he hears it. He looks at me, and then he nods. I have no idea what I'm feeling right now. Some part of me is confused, some part of me is mad, and another one feels almost betrayed.

However, I know I can't blame Nate for any of this, because he didn't do anything wrong. It's me who did that.

"Nate -"

"It's okay, don't worry."

He smiles at me, but I know him. It's not the smile I'm used to, the one where his eyes are smiling too.

"No it's not. It's not okay. That was a really shitty thing of me to say and assume. Of course you would never do that. I should have known. I acted like a real dumbass, and I'm really sorry about that."

He looks at me for a few seconds. I'm afraid he won't forgive me, but then he says, "Well, you are a dumbass, so I guess it makes sense for you to act like one."

The smile he's giving me now is his real one, and it makes me smile too.

"You don't have to worry though, Roze. Steph would never tell anyone, and neither would I. You know that."

"Yeah, I do know. I'm just sort of... I just can't believe that Jade told anyone. I thought she knew I wouldn't want that..."

There's a moment of silence after I say that.

"Well, I'm sure she has some sort of explanation for that." Nate's eyes move to somewhere next to me. "Maybe you should just ask her."

I turn around, and I see Jade walking towards us.