here without you

54

After comforting me for I don't know how long, Jade and I cuddle up in my bed, watching movies and talking very little. Eventually, the day ends, and the night comes. Jade decides to stay over, so that I won't be alone tonight. I tell her I am fine on my own, but she won't take no for an answer. She knows I'm dreading to fall asleep because I think Olive will visit me in my dreams tonight. I don't tell Jade, but I'm actually glad she's staying with me.

"Just wake me up, and I'll be there for you."

I look at her, laying next to me.

"Okay."

"I'm serious, Roze. Don't try to handle it on your own. You don't have to do that, and you shouldn't. I'm here."

"I know."

I lean over to her and give her a kiss before turning off the light. She puts her arm around me, and I snuggle into her.

"Thank you," I whisper.

"I told you to stop thanking me, idiot."

It makes me smile, a tiny little bit.

"I love you, Jade."

"I love you, Roze."

_____

I open my eyes. The room looks bright, telling me it's morning. I consider trying to get some more sleep, but I quickly realise I won't do that. It feels like one of these moments when I know I won't find any more sleep, no matter how much I want to.

I see Jade laying next to me, on her side, still asleep. Some of her hair has fallen into her face. Without thinking about it I brush it away, carefully, so that I won't wake her.

I get out of bed, as quiet as possible. I walk over to my desk to look for my lighter and pack of cigarettes. I head to the balcony, taking both of them with me. I step outside and quietly close the door behind me.

It's cold. I could get a jacket or blanket from inside, but I don't want to risk waking Jade up. So I just stand there, dressed in a T-shirt, shivering. I light a cigarette. It has been a while since I last smoked, and I don't ever smoke this early, but today I do. I know it's a terrible habit, but whenever I feel bad, I smoke. I can't help it. And right now, I definitely don't feel good.

I don't know why, but I didn't have any nightmares last night. Instead, I woke up countless of times. Whenever I did I was confused, and which each time it felt more difficult to fall asleep again. I should be glad that I didn't dream about Olive - except I'm not. Some strange part of me I haven't even been aware of has hoped to have nightmares about her. Why? Because it would mean having her, or an illusion of her back again, just for a moment. What I know now is that I don't care if I have nightmares, if it means getting to see Olive again. The closest I'll ever get to being with her is when I meet her in my sleep. So in a way, not having nightmares is even worse than having them.

I have almost finished the cigarette. I'm thinking of lighting another one when I hear footsteps behind me. I'm sure it can only be Jade, so I quickly put out the cigarette in an ashtray. I know Jade doesn't approve of smoking since her mother died from cancer. Although she doesn't really like the fact that I smoke, she accepts it. Still, I don't want her to find out I just did.

I turn around. Jade is standing there, a blanket wrapped around her. She's looking at me, frowning. I hope she didn't see me smoking - but she did.

"Roze, what the hell are you doing? It's Saturday, six in the morning, and you're standing in the freezing cold, smoking."

I open my mouth, but I close it after realising I don't know what to say. Jade steps closer to me. She puts the blanket around me too and pulls me closer to her. It feels good, warm and cosy.