here without you

27

"Do you think I should ask out Stephanie? She did say she'd want me to... Or did she?"

"Yeah..."

"Roze?"

Nate takes his eyes off the road for a second, looking at me. After Jade and Evan's kiss I wanted to leave as soon as possible. I just asked Nate to take me home, not caring about Tyler at all - not that I ever have.

I turn away from Nate and look out of the window. I don't think about the words I say next, they just come out.

"Do you think Jade likes Evan? I mean... Do you think they'll be a couple?"

Nate doesn't answer me right away. I don't look at him, but I can feel his confusion about me changing the topic like that.

"I'm not sure," he says. "I only know that Evan likes her a lot, and Jade... Well, she seemed pretty into that kiss. Don't you talk with her about those sort of things?"

"No, not really... You're probably right though. They'll probably be a couple."

"That's not exactly what I said."

"Yeah, but it's true, isn't it? Well, I think they make a great couple."

"Okay, but..."

What if he knows? I don't let him finish his sentence. I turn to him, put on a cheery voice and say,"You know what, Nate? I think you should ask out Stephanie. Who knows, you might become a couple, too!"

And then it will be Nate with Stephanie, and Jade with Evan. And  me with no one, all alone.

"What do you mean 'too'? Jade and Evan aren't a couple."

I don't know why Nate says it. Maybe he actually knows, and he wants to comfort me. Or maybe he's just stating facts. Either way, it doesn't work. It doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't change the fact that Jade kissed Evan.

"Whatever. Just ask out Stephanie."

I turn away from him again, facing the window. For the rest of our way, I don't talk to him, and neither does he talk to me.

_____

As I enter our house I hear noises coming from the kitchen. I walk into it and see my father, his phone in one hand, and a glas of alcohol in the other.

"Roze! I didn't know you were out."

Of course you didn't.

I lean against one of the kitchen counters. I see his eyes looking at me, up and down.

"You were out like this?"

"Obviously."

"You look..."

"...pretty? Yeah, thanks."

He snorts. "Roze, you can't go out like this." For some reason, him being mad gives me a feeling of satisfaction.

"Why not? Because you don't want want me to? It never bothered you before."

I let out a bitter laugh. I hate fighting with my parents - or anyone -, but right now I enjoy provoking him. It's like I can take all my anger and throw it at him.

"None of the things I do ever bother you, so please don't pretend otherwise." My voice sounds cold, but also - and I hate that it does - hurt.

"Roze - "

His phone rings, which makes him direct his gaze to it instead of to me.

"You should get that. I'm sure it's really important - it always is."