here without you

42

"And you're really okay?"

"Yeah, I am. I already told you, I just wasn't feeling that well which is why I got out to get some air."

Out of the corner of my eye I can see Jade biting her lower lip the way she does when something is bothering her.

"So the fact that you left had nothing to do with what happened inside? Nate and me... I don't know... arguing?

I'm glad I'm driving right now because it means I can look at the road instead of at Jade.

"Roze?"

I don't answer her, not only because I don't know what to say. I'm still thinking about the conversation I had with Nate. How could she just tell someone about us?

"Seriously? You're going to give me the silent treatment now? How old are you? Ten?"

"No," I say. I look over to her for a second, put on a serious face and voice. "I'm seventeen."

"Funny, Roze. Very funny."

I feel my mouth twitching.

"So are you going to tell me what's going on?"

I'm still not sure I want to talk about it, but I know Jade well enough to know she won't give up. I sigh and pull over to the side of the road, stopping the car. I turn my head to Jade. She's looking at me, still waiting for some sort of explanation. I don't give her that, so she starts talking again.

"Are you... mad at me?"

I look at her. Am I mad at her? I'm not sure, because she did tell Stephanie about us. But she doesn't know that I know about that, and I don't think I want to bring it up.

"No," I say. "No, I'm not."

She looks out of the window for a second and then back at me.

"Roze?" Her eyes move back to the window again. I realise she's nervous, which is unusual for Jade. "Do you..." I see her swallowing, and she looks at me again. "Do you have a problem with the fact that I... that I dated so many people?"

There's some serious concern on her face. At the moment, I don't think I'm understanding anything. Where the hell does this question come from? Maybe Jade notices my confusion because she starts explaining herself.

"It's just that Nate asked all of these questions and said all of these things, and you're just acting strange, and... I don't know... I just figured... I mean, do you have a problem with... with me?"

I'm still staring at her, baffled. The concern on her face starts growing, and I realise I'm supposed to say something.

"No! Gosh, no. I don't have any problem with you."

She seems slightly relieved. "You don't?" I sense some uncertainty in her voice.

I reach for her hand. Our fingers intertwine, automatically.

"Jade, I don't have a problem with you at all. Of course I don't, idiot."

She's smiling a bit now, and I'm happy she is.

"I'm glad you don't," she says. And then she adds, "You know, I don't care if people think I'm a slut, but I care if you think I'm one."

"Well, I don't think that. Of course I don't. But..." I look down at our hands. I start playing with her fingers, slightly nervous. "I have to admit that I did use to have a problem with the fact that you have been in a lot more... relationships than I have. It just made me feel paranoid and also... unexperienced."