here without you

62

"You know, when I told you to talk with Jade, I didn't mean go and break up with her."

I turn around. "Jaxon." I swallow. "What are you doing here? Don't you have to be in maths?"

"I could ask you the same."

I look away from him and look down at the cigarette in my hand instead. I shrug.

"So? Why did you break up with her?" He takes a step closer. "Why would you do that, Roze?"

"I don't know, Jaxon." I toss the cigarette on the ground. I turn around. "I have to get to class now."

He grabs my wrist, making me stop. "Roze!" I turn around again. He lets go again.

"What, Jaxon? I have to go, okay? I have to be in maths. I can't talk to you."

"That is total bullshit. About a minute ago you were standing here smoking, not caring about math at all."

"I..." I let out a breath. "What do you want from me?"

"You know what I want," he says. "I want to know why you broke up with Jade."

I don't know what the truth is, so I say, "People break up, Jaxon. You've been through breakups too, so I'm sure you can think of reasons why."

"Yeah, I can." For a moment it's like he doesn't see me, but some memory in his head. "But I don't understand why you two did. I don't understand why you broke up with Jade." He's seeing me again. His eyes are focused on me, and they are rather cool.

"You don't just give up on the people you love," he says. "You don't just leave someone you love." His voice is bitter, just like his expression.

"And you don't think I know that?"

Jaxon's mouth opens, but my words come out sooner than his.

"You don't think I tried to make it work? You don't think I know I hurt Jade? Because I did, and I do. I know I hurt Jade." I pause, think. "No, I didn't even hurt her - I fucking broke her. And I hate it. I never wanted that. I should have... I should have stayed away from her." My eyes are watering, and my vision is blurry. I blink and say, "What was I even thinking? It could have never worked. I can't even take care of myself, so what made me think I could take care of someone else? Clearly I... I should have never..."

Jaxon steps forward. He wraps his arms around me. He hugs me, lightly at first, but more tight when he realises I'm accepting his touch.

"I'm so sorry, Jaxon. I didn't want that. I didn't want to hurt her. I'm sorry."

"Hey." He hugs me tighter. "It's okay. Roze, I know you love her. I know you didn't want to hurt her."

"But I did."

He doesn't say anything, because of course, I am right. I pull out of the hug. With the sleeves of my coat I wipe my face.

"I should get to class now," I say.

He looks at me. It's clear he doesn't know what to say. Finally he says, "You didn't break Jade. And you shouldn't have stayed away from her. What you had was good. More than good."