here without you

32

"Roze! Wait!"

I hear Jack calling after me as I'm leaving the classroom. I turn around and wait for him, not having any idea what it is he wants.

"I heard about what happened the other day, and I... Well, I just wanted to ask if you're okay."

Whatever it is I was expecting him to say, it wasn't this. Still, I think it's sweet of him. There are only very few people who checked up on me afterwards, and I'm pretty sure most of the other students think I'm a freak.

"Yeah, I'm pretty okay now. Seeing that wall was just... a lot. Thanks for asking, that's really nice of you."

"Sure."

I give him a smile, and he grins back at me. He takes a step closer, and the distance between us is suddenly dangerously small. Too small for my taste. I move backwards, so that there's some space between us again. Jack looks slightly confused, but he doesn't say anything.

"Listen," I say. I let out a sigh. "I still like you, Jack, but not in the way I used to. You're a great guy, but I just don't see us like that anymore. What we had is over, okay?"

Silence.

I feel a bit bad, but I'm glad I told him at last. I don't want him to think we could ever be a thing again, because we won't. Finally, he says something.

"Okay... I guess I have to accept that, but..." Jack looks down at his feet, and then up at me again. "Is there someone else? Another guy?"

"No. No, there isn't." It really is the truth, there is no other guy.

Jack seems to be pleased about hearing that.

"Well, we could still be friends, right?"

I don't want to hurt him even more, so I say definitely. Maybe we really could be friends, I don't know. But I do know that I don't have feelings for Jack anymore. I have them for someone else now.

_____

"What is going on with you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you just... I don't know, you're different."

I laugh, and Nate looks even more confused than he already has.

"So for the past days you've been acting super strange and pissed, and now you're just... What? If I had to guess I'd say you're happy."

"Maybe."

Nate takes his eyes off the road for a second, looking at me. He's still confused.

"As my best friend you could be happy about me being happy."

"I am! It's just... Well, where does this happiness come from?"

It's because I think I'm in love with Jade, and I think there's a chance she might like me too.

"Uhh... I don't know? I guess I'm just in a good mood."

I don't want Nate to find out why I'm this happy. I don't think I'm ready to tell him that I have feelings for another girl, and that this girl is Jade. So I change the topic and ask him about Stephanie.

"I haven't asked her out yet."

"Well, you really should. She told me she likes you too."

"What?" He turns his head to me for a second. "Why haven't you told me about that?"

Oops.

"I was..." ...too busy thinking about Jade. "I just sort of forgot. But at least you know now, right?"

"Yeah. I mean, it would have been helpful if you would have told me a bit sooner."

"I'm sorry, Nate. But you'll ask her out now, won't you?"

"Yeah, I guess I will."

I look at him. I see a grin on his face, and it makes me happy. Things haven't been going this well for a long time. Maybe they are finally about to change.

_____

"I'm really sorry, Mrs Peterson. I overslept."

Jade enters the room, late. She gives me a smile before taking her seat a row in front of me. It makes me smile too. The others go back to discussing the exercise, but I'm still staring at Jade.

This morning I would have almost overslept too due to some dreams I had. They were pretty crazy ones, filled with Jade, and this time, they definitely weren't nightmares.

Now that I'm awake, I still can't stop thinking about her. I just don't know how, or if I should tell her about my feelings. There's still some small part of me thinking that Jade only wants to be friends, but then there's also a much bigger part that just wishes we would be more than friends.

The lesson ends. I pack up my stuff and walk to the door, where I see Jade waiting for me. We walk together to my locker.

"Have you heard about the big news yet?" she says, excitement in her voice.

"You mean that they offer pizza for lunch today?"

"No, idiot." She lets out a laugh. Why do I like it when she calls me idiot? "Nate finally asked out Stephanie."

"What? He didn't tell me."

"Well, he asked her this morning. He was probably going to tell you about it later."

"I guess you're right," I say. "It was really about time though. They've liked each other for quite some time now."

We have arrived at my locker, and I open it. Jade leans against the one next to mine, looking at me.

"Yeah, they have. But that's just how things work, right? You like someone, and you just don't know if they like you too, so you don't make a move."

I look at her. Is she really talking about Nate and Stephanie right now?

I want to answer her, when I see Evan. He walks past us and gives Jade a smile. I see her returning it. The insecure part of me immediately asks myself a question: What if she does like him after all?

"I heard he asked you out," I say. I try to make my voice sound normal, but I'm not sure it does.

"Did you also hear I turned him down?" When I say nothing, Jade continues talking. "I might have kissed him, but it didn't mean anything. It was a stupid dare, that's all. I'm not into Evan."

Jade said she's not into Evan!

I don't think I have ever felt this relieved before. Her blue eyes are looking at me, waiting for me to say something.

"That's... good."

"Good? You think it's good I don't like him?"

Is it my imagination or is there some sort of hope in her voice?

Before I can answer her, we are interrupted by Nate who seems to appear out of nowhere. I think it's the first time I'm not glad about seeing him.

"Guess who asked out Stephanie?" There's a grin spread on his entire face.

"I heard," I say. "Congratulations!"

"Yeah, we're really happy for you, Nate," Jade says.

"So am I. You wanna know how I asked her?"

Jade tells him we do, so he starts telling us all about how he asked out Stephanie. Him being this happy makes me really happy, but I really wish he would have shown up just a little bit later.