A World That Is Not Mine

LI.

Lindsey would take Stevie to the doctor to get the ultrasound and see how far along the baby was and how things were going. This coming week would be long and eventful. Stevie was used to that kind of thrill, so she looked at each thing to come as a daily task. She knew that was going to be the only way she stayed calm through everything.

~

"So, you excited?" Stevie kind of nudged Lindsey as he drove them.

"Of course," he kind of laughed. He took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Well, I'm excited---kind of nervous, but that's just me."

"I don't think there is anything to be nervous about. You're gonna be a great mother---you always were."

Stevie bit her bottom lip---feeling loads of emotion. She just couldn't portray herself as a good mother, not with what happened stuck in her past. She hated the fact that she was living with the person who took her child and she hated the fact that she didn't know. All of it was unbeknownst to her. She felt that if she would have given Rick more attention when Solan was little---maybe she would have seen that. Maybe she would've seen that he as psychotic. She also believed, if she had given him attention, he would have never tried to take her son away. Everything that happened; it was easy to blame herself and she had no problem for it being her fault. She really believed it was, even if it wasn't.

"I think you just need to relax and think of the good things to come," he gave her hand a gentle squeeze. He could feel her tensing up and he wanted her calm, especially before an ultrasound. He feared the baby would go into hiding or something.

She kind of shrugged. "I want to, so bad, Lindsey. It is just so hard---I hate feeling this way, I feel so lost. I just want to understand why all these things happened. What did I ever do to anybody, to deserve anything of this shit?" she paused. "Was I lacking attention to give? Was I that caught up with my son?"

"Okay, stop," her firmly stated. "Being a mother, is hard... I know I will never understand that kinks of it, but I when my dad died, I watched my mother raise three boys on her own. Even though we were loving to her, we surely put her through hell. Especially when we were teenagers. She struggled and it is hard to raise kids---that is why after a while, I moved out and lived with my uncle. I felt she needed that space. My brothers still put her through hell and it's not easy raising a child."

Stevie was listening attentively. She always did when he was telling her stuff. She knew, she was going to gain some new knowledge that would ultimately help her feel better.

"All I am saying, it is hard and I know you probably struggled. I just don't want you to beat yourself up about it, my mother never gave my father attention because she was caught up with us. There was no time for love and affection and he was working. I want you to know, that everybody struggles and not everything can be wonderful. Rick was probably trying to make you feel guilty which is really fucked up."

She nodded, lips sucked into mouth. "Will we struggle that bad?" she kind of squeaked through her tears. The tears she was crying, was mostly relief and she just felt better. It was another release.

"I don't think we'll struggle that bad, but we will struggle. Life isn't as easy as you think it would be---that's all."

...

As the couple waited in the lobby of the doctor's office, Stevie was growing impatient. She felt the doctor was taking his sweet time and she was about ready to leave. She had things she needed to do and she wanted to get it all done. She had already filled out all of the information regarding her feelings and periods and all that jazz. She hadn't been feeling anything different except for more tired so it felt monotonous, but she knew it wasn't.