A MAN'S SORROW CUTS DEEPER

The scent of longing...

Can felt with his whole heart that his place was right where he sat now. Next to Sanem. Facing her heart and embracing her soul. What a difference a year could make. Many moons ago he felt full fury for Sanem for choosing to surrender their scent to Fabri. The fact was that his fury was actually based on the pain he felt for loosing his grip on what was going on in his relationship with Sanem. He trusted her with his love, but he was finding it harder and harder to trust her with his heart. And that proved to overshaddow their love, and it made him forget more and more about the longing he felt for Sanem and her love...

Holding a  jar of cream in his hand proved to be no easy task. The fact was that this tiny container filled him with as much fear as he could have anticipated. The jar was filled with Sanem's cream, and their scent. Their scent. The fear that he felt was not because he might have come to feel his fury and pain resurfacing. The fear he now felt was based on the thought of what he would do if the scent of the cream would no longer hold any effect on him...

The moment the scent hit him, he could no longer see the real world. Closing his eyes was the only thing he could do. His mind no longer registered anything that existed outside of his heart and his soul. It was as if he was back in the loggia, holding Sanem near his heart. Sanem's skin under his fingertips... Sanem's lips brushing his... Her scent overpowering his senses... The thrust of her light and her most powerful surrender to him back then crushed through all of the walls he built around his heart. That same thrust came at him now as an unseen unstoppable wave of love and longing he yearned for with all of his heart...

He may have revealed to Sanem at some point in time that her scent overpowered him. That it enclosed him with her love, with his heart and his soul no longer his as it now belonged to her. But what he kept from her was that the scent opened him to the possibility of the feeling of longing. Longing for a woman. But above all longing for her love. He never felt that before. He never knew such a feeling existed. And he did not know what to do with this feeling. The night of their first kiss he lost all bearing on life. He forgot where he was. He forgot who he was. All that existed was the woman in his arms. The unknown soul surrendering in his arms. And the fact that he lost himself and at the same very moment he found himself, and with a woman in his arms who changed his life, was beyond all reason to him. Beyond all logic to him. His life to this point was based on a well organized, perfectly measured, and strategically thought out plan. One kiss from Sanem, and that plan was pushed out so far from his mind that he couldn't fathom a single step to rush after her when she flet from the loggia...

This same feeling of longing came back to him when Sanem found the courage to meet him by the sea. They sat on the hammock, and he could not find the restraint to stop himselft from revealing his feelings of fear he felt whenever he was around her. The fear of offending her. The fear of making her mad. But above all, the fear that his words may cause her to walk away from him. He realized how true this fear became apparent the day he left a year ago. But back then, on that hammock, when he felt again was the power of Sanem's scent coming back to his heart. Laying down in the hammock with Sanem in his arms, he yet again felt the strenght of longing for her. If she could hear his souls speak right through his eyes, she would realize the extent of his longing for her. It was not a longing for a woman's touch. It was a longing for a woman's understansing and love. It was longing mixed with hope that what the future held for them entailed them staying together. The longing for her soul as much as for her heart...

This same feeling of longing came rushing back to his soul when he stepped foot in her room. Her scent was everywhere. He did not have to close his eyes to feel its power with each breath he took. His eyes turned toward the creams she created. Each jar etched out with his initial. This one single image lived so vivid in his mind that if he wished to do so now, all he would need to do was reach out with his hand and he was sure he could take hold of those jars. The feeling of longing he felt at that moment made him realize her love for him. Actions speak louder than words, one may say... But that also made him realize that even though she loved him, her choice was clear about keeping that love within her and not share it with him. The words that left his mouth them, spoke right from his soul - that she won the war, for he realized she would not fight for him...

He was proven wrong the night she sat accross from him and revealed what lay true in her heart. She loved him. More than she loved herself. The longing for her was overmatched by her longing for him. He could not explain what she did to him. He did not know such words could exist. And the fact that she matched what he felt for her made him feel so complete. He found his home right in her heart...

And that fulfillment and the feeling of home came back the moment he smelled the cream. He opened his eyes. And all he could see was Sanem and her face. All he could feel was Sanem and her love. He lost track of time. For it meant nothing to him. And to his astonishment and disbelief, Ceycey asked Sanem to move closer to him. Without any objection she moved next to him. And there she should and would remain, he would make certain of it...