A MAN'S SORROW CUTS DEEPER

A moment of complete admission...

Facing tomorrow without Can broke Sanem's heart's already broken pieces by another half. The thought of loosing him this time forever meant a lifetime of loss and pain in her heart that would never again be filled. How does one ever come to full terms with a love that once was but would never be felt again? Her heart drummed a little softer and quieter with each breath she took. And the only way she could look at Can now was to face him with all their happy memories in her eyes. She would cry, cry again and cry unstoppably, but not in front of him. For their love, and for what they shared, she wanted him to remember her with a smile on her face and her love for him in her eyes...

The fact that she could so easily get a smile or a laugh out of him now brought her so much consolation. She loved his stare, lived for his touch, but his smile was something completely different altogether. Never had anyone's happiness mattered to her more than Can's. Ever since she met him, she felt goodness come out of him. The more she knew him, the more she realized that Emre lied, and that Can possessed the most kindest of hearts. He hid it well, but he was not afraid to show it to her. And she loved him more because of that. She told him the truth when she told him she loved him more than she loved herself. And his smile was something she would never get tired of. The emotions he exuded whenever he offered his unexpected laugh always burst out in a million little fireworks in her heart. And the fact that her overexagerated antics usually annoyed others but they made him happier and made him laugh with that unforgettable laughter of his only made her love him more...

But she knew that as happy as she felt with him now, looking at his smiling eyes, she would need to come clean with her love for him and pour all of her heart out. The words that came to her hurt, but they also brought memories of the love they shared. So she started at the beginning. Fully admitting she was intrigued by who he was. For a girl who grew up in a small neighborhood and who never stepped foot outside Istanbul, he seemed like the most wonderful and enigmatic character fresh out of a storybook. She fell in love with him. All of him. His secret past life, and his secret present one. The aura of his unknown side pulled her in. The fact that he revealed more and more of himself only to her made her love for him grow with each passing day. The fact that he chose her, a girl of simple past and simple life, meant so much to her. He believed in her, and he trusted her. She broke that trust, and that fear for his love lived in her then as much as it did now. She finally realized that he loved her enough to look past that. He saw and felt past that. And she realized it was her in the end who, with one single gesture of not reaching out for his stretched out hand at the hospital that one painful day, put an end to their love. And that hurt the most. Though she always feared he would leave her behind, and she tried to change him, she was the one who ended up pushing him away...

She was looking down. What she did next was just about the hardest thing she would ever have to do in her life. Her pain of past sorrows meant nothing compared to what she felt at that moment. She looked up, and the thought of not ever being able to look into Can's eyes from that day on tore her apart. The tears that welled up in her heart and her soul began to defeat her. She knew he saw that, and there was nothing she could do about it. She asked him to bring the boat to the shore. And she counted each minute they still had left together with each heartbeat that drummed up Can's name and imprinted itselt in her aching soul...