bangchin: one-shot/imagines 1

im broken right now....

im broken. this is an entry from one of my journals.

breakdown #12: is it just me. or do i just want to hurt myself so the pain can stop. why is it that my self esteem plummets everyday. i feel like everyone hates me. it hurts and i want to hurt myself so it can stop hurting. its another one kind of nights. i hate myself so badly. i don't know why i'm here. im just a pain to everyone i know. i dont feel like i belong here. i make so many stupid problems for myself and i just don't want to be here anymore. im just annoying everyone. i just want this to end. i don't know what to do. i just want to hurt myself. that's all i want to do. no one is gonna stop me. its not like anyone in my house actually cares. my mom and sister gets mad at me easily. and i sometimes can't talk to the people i want to talk to because i don't want to disturb them and im not really that important. and it hurts so badly. i cry myself to sleep so the pain can stop but sometimes it doesn't work. im just broken. i just dont. things that brighten my day is when my boyfriend texts me and we go on houseparty but tonight was different. we didnt go on houseparty so i was by myself. i wish my source of happiness can text me sometimes to check if i'm okay.because i'm sometimes im not okay. there are times i just want it to end. i hate myself. I don't know. one of my sources of happiness has other things to do. and every time i'm at home, i don't feel like myself. i feel like my mom is going to yell at me for stupid things. i feel like my sister is going to reveal my secrets. i feel like my life is falling apart. i try my best to smile but i'm breaking everyday. i feel like no one is there to pick me up. i try my best to be there for everyone but i feel lonely when no one is there for me. i wish someone can be there for me one day. i try to be happy but i fall into an abyss of sadness and i cant manage to get out. im just a disappointment to my parents. my secrets can get out any minute by my sister and it can shatter me into millions of pieces and no one will be able to fix me. i get scared. i get sad. i fall into an abyss. an abyss of loneliness and sadness. no one can get me out sometimes. it's painful because this pain is always back frequently now. i wish i can fix myself but i know i can't because i makes stupid decisions that makes me fall deeper into the abyss. i sometimes can't get out and i get scared. i just want someone there for me. there's always one thing that i always look forward to. i look forward to houseparty with my boyfriend at night but sometimes it doesn't work out. i look forward to seeing him everyday. i look forward to being with him. i look forward to talking or texting him but sometimes that doesn't happen. i try my best to be a good girlfriend. but sometimes i fall and see myself as a failure. i see myself as a disappointing girlfriend. i don't even feel like i'm a good or great girlfriend. it hurts me. i know my boyfriend has other priorities. im not really that important but he's really important to me and i can't help but feel like i'm gonna lose him one day because of my stupid decisions and problems. i feel like if i ever lost him. i lost a source of my happiness, my energy, my smile. my source of love. im afraid to lose him. im just a broken person. i just want someone there for me.