The Greatest Assist (Patrick Kane)

12| The Help

Patrick

There hasn't been a point in my life where I was lower in than I am now. My actions, they have consequences and when I'm drunk off my ass I can't take that fact into consideration. So I do and say things that I don't want to do or say. I can't stop myself because one drink becomes another and another and suddenly I'm waking up on the couch again no idea what I did or said. And that's scary because sometimes I don't find out what happened until I read it in the paper or someone I adore calls me telling me that they're disappointed in me or that I hurt them. 

And now I have a reason to play hockey, I have a reason to want to do good in life and a reason to want people to like me. I want to be better because if it gets any worse I will positively lose everything I've worked my whole life for. I don't want that.

The only problem is that there's no one I really trust with my life to talk about these kinds of things. That is except for Chelsea who knows these things and she's seen me at my worst and she still wants to see me do better. She doesn't want to sit around and watch me throw my life away and I love that about her. I'm lucky enough that she cares and I don't want to lose her either. That's why I need to change.

So I go over to her place where I know there's no beer that I can get a handle on. But unlike her I don't have a key to her place so I have to knock. She lets me in and offers me a glass of water before sitting on her couch. She gets me some ice water and I take the time to look around her place. It was a lot different than mine, it was unique like her and it had a personality. Maybe that's what I needed to start changing my life. A little color here and there to remind myself that life isn't always black and white. There's more color than that.

"Here" she says as she hands me the drink. I take it but I don't drink from it immediately. I hold the cold glass between my hands as I stare at it. I'm so used to it being beer it was kinda nice to be able to clearly see the bottom of what I was drinking for once. "What did you want to talk about" she wonders.

"I want to reach out and get help. But I'll only do it if it's with you" I explain.

Her big green eyes get a bit bigger as she stares at me. "I told you, I'm not qualified for that. If it's a friend you need I'll be there. But you have some serious questions I don't have the answer to" she explains.

"I don't trust anyone else. It's taken me this long to find me someone I trusted and I don't know if I can last another 22 years trying to find someone else I trust" I beg.

She lets out a long sigh as she looks up at me. I can see all over her face that she was worried about me. I don't want her to be but the only way I can get better is if she helps me. "What if I can't help you" she asks softly. "What if I don't have what you need? I don't want to let you down Patrick. Let down all the people who love and adore you. I have degrees in business and communication, not psychology and sports management" she reminds me.

"I don't need you to be a psychologist or sports manager, I just need someone to talk to. Someone I can trust to tell these things to and know that you'll still be there for me. And I know you will" I admit.

She lets out a long sigh before pursing her lips together to stop any more frustrations to come out. "Alright. Let me see what I can do" she nods.

I sat on her couch for four hours telling her my feelings about life and about hockey. I explain to her why this past summer was both the best and worst times of my life. How I don't remember most of it and I hate myself for letting that happen. These are supposed to be the best times of my life and my drinking and my loneliness isn't allowing me to be in these moments. I'm not allowing myself to be truly happy because I keep telling myself that I'm not allowed to be. My inability to understand what I'm feeling is not allowing me to remember who was there for me and who was not. All these people I surround myself with are just supporting actors in my life. And I thought I needed them, turns out they just needed me. The people who I need in my life are the ones I pushed away because they wanted better for me and I didn't so I didn't listen. Now I know who is really there for me and who isn't.

By the end of the conversation it was about 9 pm and we talked straight through dinner. So to pay her back for doing something that she didn't have to do and for quite frankly being everything I needed right now I take her out for dinner. Nothing too fancy, probably some hamburgers from portillos and a cake shake.

We get to the restaurant and order our food. I could tell this was a lot for her because she was being pretty quite. "I hope I didn't scare you away" I insist.

"Oh, no" she insists as she shakes her head. "I just get like this when I'm thinking. And I'm thinking" she assures me.

"About what" I wonder.

"About you" she admits. I smile a little as she smiles back at me. "I think people have you all wrong. I was one of those people. And while you changing is good, I'm not sure how many other people are going to change with you" she claims.

"I can't worry about that. I have people like you and my family and my teammates and some friends back in Buffalo who want to see me do good, and not at the expense of my mental health and physical health. I know that I need to stop drinking and get a sleep schedule and talk to people or I will never get better. And the people who support me and want to see me do good, they'll be there. That's all that matters" I assure her.

"I'm right here" she promises.