tryst [sequel] // h.s

38

Chapter thirty eight

Zara

I think I blacked out last night.

I don't remember anything other than landing at home and going to the party but after that everything is a blur or black memories.

My eyes are swollen and red and I have a recollection of me crying multiple times but I can't remember anything and that's worrisome because I've been drunk before but not to the point of forgetting everything.

It happened in these weeks that I was away but I just thought it was the substance mixed up with my overwhelming thoughts and although last night was a lot, I don't remember much more than feeling smothered by everyone.

As soon as I got to the club everyone yelled surprise at me and I was put on the spot for at least fifteen minutes in which everyone just wanted to talk to me or wanted to say hi, make their presence known and I got so overwhelmed by being the center of attention the first thing that I needed was alcohol in my veins.

I needed a lot to get through the night and everyone's attention on me, they all had questions as to where I was, who I was with, what I was doing, everything, they wanted to know everything.

I couldn't tell them to fuck off and leave me alone, even less when it was my birthday we were celebrating. I didn't want to go in the first place but I didn't want to let anyone down, even less when they had put on some effort and time to cheer me up and make me some company.

Today I woke up with soreness on my chest, strikingly painful as it had been days before but there was something else I couldn't put my finger on. I didn't have nightmares because of how profoundly I was able to sleep so at least that's good.

I woke up alone in my bed and I remembered Harry's efforts in me staying home so maybe he got mad at me and left. I don't really remember much and I was very much out of myself. I had drunk some alcohol on the plane so I could ease a few of my nerves but it ultimately made it worse.

I don't know how I made it home either.

I just finished taking a relaxing shower and thankfully I don't have to do anything today because I feel like staying at home eating a bunch of junk food and having a marathon of my favorite movies.

I should check up on Harry, ask how he's doing and if he is free this afternoon. After more than two weeks away from him I realized how much I needed him close, it was pretty stupid on my side to disappear for two weeks but I needed a break.

Last night he didn't seem mad at me, at least from the brief part I remember, he was adamant about us not going because he said it was a bad idea but I think he was overreacting.

He acted as if nothing had happened, he comforted me when I broke down in front of him but he was always pretty superficial and he didn't pressure me into talking, which is the opposite of what I need because I know disappearing was selfish but I didn't see any other option.

I didn't want to need him so I just escaped and I know that's basically running away from my problems but now I know it's not the solution and it will never be because I got back home and every mess was waiting for me.

I just feel like he is being careful with me and I don't like it, because sometimes I don't feel like we are in a relationship but it's him babysitting me. I want that to change because it's not fair to me or him.

We've been at a weird stage for way too long and I want things to go back to the way they were, even if it's gonna take time, I'm willing to try.

Oddly, I don't have any messages or phone calls from him if he didn't stay the night so maybe I did something wrong and I have to fix it as soon as possible but I'll call him right now.