tryst [sequel] // h.s

54

Chapter fifty four

Zara

Is it weird to feel paranoid about how smoothly my life is going at the moment?

Sure I have plenty of imperfections to go over but overall, pondering, making some calculus my life it's not so bad right now, and oddly, that creeps me out.

It shouldn't bother me to be mostly at peace with myself but if I know something is the person pulling the strings of my life doesn't like me one bit.

I get temporary happiness just to be taken away from me in an instant and that hasn't happened in a while.

Patiently waiting...waiting for something to happen.

Nothing.

I've been obsessing over this, for weeks now and my life is too perfect. As much as you can stretch the meaning of the word perfect, it should include: stranded relationship with my brother, a boyfriend I have to hide, and unresolved mental health issues.

If you see my list it's gotten shorter than at the beginning of the year and I've officially crossed off the potential eating disorder. I don't know what happened but I'm eating a lot more than what I normally have, mostly in the past two weeks.

I should be utterly pleased and happy that nothing has happened, yet. I should be living my life to the fullest but the truth is, I haven't felt completely good in a very long time and the feeling merely scares me.

An old saying goes that we crave something so much, intensively yearning for it...For example, freedom, if you don't have it then you seek it, you do everything to achieve it and finally, you do.

You have your freedom, in the palm of your hand, you should be able to take over the world right?

Wrong, as soon as you have it, you don't know what to do with yourself. You've planned this list of unthinkable things to do once you get your freedom and when you do, you don't know where to start.

That's what's been happening for me. I've been seeking happiness and stability and normalcy for my life and it feels like I've got it but instead of making the most of it, I'm here obsessing over the fact of what could go wrong next.

I've talked to Isla and Cassie about it, even Harry but they all came to their own solution ending on the same conclusion. I am anxious about not being anxious. Sounds delusional, but turns out I am delusional so this is somewhat normal for me?

I make no sense.

I probably am getting way ahead of myself because when I look down at my journal I have nothing, a blank page waiting to be filled with something other than doodles and little H's with hearts on the side.

I was supposed to write and come up with new songs but inspiration hasn't struck me yet and I don't think today is going to be the day that I magically write a song out of nothing.

I don't have a method, when I feel like writing, I do it and it has worked out for me in the past but now that I'm expected to release a new album I feel the pressure.

Comparing my songs I notice something that caught my attention is that I mostly write from pain. I wrote an entire album when I broke up with Harry, the first time, and I wrote a great song when he left me but now my life is dull and happy and it ruined my inspiration.

I write from heartbreak and pain, not healthy habits and happiness.

I don't want my entire discography to be sadness and shit and ''oh, my heart is broken''. I want to have happier songs or at least happier melodies with sad lyrics. That I can commit to.