tryst [sequel] // h.s

00

Zara

''Cassie, I fucked up. I fucked up badly.'' I sob into my phone as I open the door to my flat and she groans into the phone.

''Babe, what's wrong? Calm down, it's seven am in the morning. I didn't understand a word you just said. Take a deep breath.'' She instructs my breathing and I try to remain calm for a few seconds but I fall into my couch, quickly wrapping myself up in a blanket.

''I fucked up. I just did some stupid shit and ugh!'' I let out a grunt in distress and tears spill down my eyes.

''Oh no, what did Harry do now?'' The sole mention of his name makes my chest hurt and I feel how my windpipes are tightening and I'm having trouble breathing. ''Zee, please calm down. I'll be there in a few, okay?'' I feel Anna's voice at the distance and how Cassie's movements are rushed.

''Okay.'' I choke out and I feel how my phone starts vibrating in my hand so I remove it from my ear and Harry's name appears. ''Cassie, I gotta go.'' I hang up against her complaints and I stare at my phone, struggling to get the air in properly and out the same way.

My hand starts shaking and his contact picture stares at me waiting for me to pick up and talk to him but I can't.

I just can't.

Leaving him and saying all of that stuff was definitely the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my entire life and it fucking sucks because I feel like I'm about to die and I can't do anything to take it back.

No matter how much I love him I can't take it all back.

I'm tormenting myself with the fact that I did the right thing but it feels like a low punch because I hurt him. All I wanted was for him not to suffer but the look on his eyes told me otherwise.

How can loving someone so much feels so bad when making a decision for myself actually feels good?

My entire world revolves around him, my every thought is controlled by his possible opinion on me, and there's nothing more that I wanted to be good for him but I realized it wasn't enough. I'm not enough.

I feel so selfish for having to hurt him this way, and I want to take it all back, erase all the process and do things right but I just can't.

Why did I do that? It's stupid, it's selfish and he's hurt.

Who cares about me when I know I possibly broke his heart? I don't care about me right now, I fucked up.

I'm so selfish, why did I say those stuff when he's my world, my everything; was my everything.

The call is cut short until they start collecting on my phone, resting on the top of my coffee table as the aurora sun begins to rise. Every time they are shorter, they pool on my phone and it's been minutes since he first called.

He's not giving up on me, why does he still wants me when I don't even want me myself?

He's most likely angered and hurt that I left him there, alone and confused because I couldn't explain myself better but also he didn't let me totally explain. I fucked up, I should have talked it through with him but how could I discuss leaving him with him?

It took me two weeks to actually gather the courage to do it and now it's all gone, it's done and I can't reverse it. I wouldn't blame him if he hated me, I'd encourage it myself because I'm lost.

I just made a decision for myself, because I know I'm not happy and I'm not ready to love him yet - no matter how much I already do, I can't say it out loud. It feels wrong, tainted, and rushed. And I can't help but feel guilty about making this for me when I hurt him so badly, the look on his eyes is probably a memory I won't be able to erase easily.