tryst [sequel] // h.s

66

Chapter sixty six

Zara

[4 months later]

I know I'm a big preacher of constant evolution, and embracing who you are as you go after a traumatic experience, that you don't necessarily have to recognize yourself while you are healing but not once did I think it would impact my life as much.

Every day hurts, to look down at my empty stomach and realize there's nothing there but missed opportunities and reckless decisions.

I had two options, to let myself drown in this mess and everything that comes along with it, feeling sorry for myself and cry about it, or turn my life upside down and look at the bigger picture.

I knew that no matter what I chose, I'd suffer through it and I did, but thankfully it was for the better and I have never felt so relieved and serene in my life. Which for a long time made me feel guilty as if I should have mourned in a different way.

I understood that there's no actual, proper, or right way to mourn and that it's a very personal process, but I was lucky enough not to do it all alone because I had Harry by my side and I still do.

Four months ago, after the miscarriage happened and he came back home we spent his time off together, just enjoying one another's company without doing anything else other than taking care of each other in the best way we could.

Then when Harry went back to the last leg of the tour I went home for a week and just enjoyed some time with my family, because I needed some calm and peace, which oddly enough I found there.

My relationship with my family has gotten a bit better, mostly with my dad, we can talk without ripping each other's hair out but it's still distant, which I don't complain about at all.

I only get so much time with them, because they live back at home and I'm settled in London, so we arranged to have some vacations together sometime when my sisters are out of school.

We still don't know if Zayn is coming along or not, we haven't really talked other than some polite encounters when it was my mum's birthday but that's it. All I know is that he has bleached and cut his hair a bunch of times and that he broke off his engagement with his-now-former girlfriend.

I wish I could say that I found out from him, but I didn't. I'm still friends with Jade, and we were just catching up one night over the phone and she told me how it happened and it was awful, even more, embarrassing that I didn't know and he is my brother.

As soon as I found out I felt like taking matters into my own hands, because it was terrible and something he shouldn't be proud of, and I really tried to get to him on the phone to offer him some piece of my mind.

Thankfully he didn't reply because I was fuming and I would have meddled too much in shit that is not my own, something I have blamed him for in the past so it's best that we didn't talk then.

As my life has been a mess, everyone else's turned upside down, it felt like everybody around my life also had their own shit to deal with. The guys announced their "hiatus", which I also wasn't happy about because they were straight-up lying but again, it wasn't my business so I just kept my mouth shut.

Rumors about Louis becoming a dad got confirmed, which strangely enough brings me a sort of unwanted relief, because I knew this would have happened to me if my pregnancy carried along.

It takes me a while to find comfort in talking about it, because as devastating as it was, it also solved too many of my problems. I've done a shit tonne of therapy to get over it, sometimes I still cry about it, sometimes I don't and the littlest of times I smile reminiscing about it.