tryst [sequel] // h.s

40

In our history, across our great divide
There is a glorious sunrise
Dappled with the flickers of light
From the dress I wore at midnight, leave it all behind
And there is happiness

I can't make it go away by making you a villain
I guess it's the price I paid for seven years in Heaven
And I pulled your body into mine
Every goddamn night, now I get fake niceties
No one teaches you what to do
When a good man hurts you
And you know you hurt him too

song: happiness by Taylor Swift

(a/n: not meant to be played while reading)

Chapter forty

Zara

Turns out I'm a terrible songwriter.

I may have a decent voice and I can write a few songs, some verses but this is overall ridiculous.

I'm stuck into this never-ending cycle and I thought it had something to do with the clear procrastination I've been doing but the thing is, I've been with my ass feeling flat for 8 straight hours in a plane and I haven't been able to write a single thing.

Nothing is good enough, nothing fits and nothing can compare to what I feel.

I suck at expressing my feelings, and although it's been a year since I released my album, which I wrote all on my own, I can't do it. I'm not lacking inspiration, I could rant to anyone about how much of an idiot I am and how much I miss Harry for hours but how am I supposed to turn that into a song?

Isla is going to be so disappointed in me and hopefully, Harry never gets to hear this because all of that feeling he has about me not loving him as much as he loves me, will be accentuated by the quality of this song.

I can't do it, I physically can't pull myself together to write this stupid song. I have my journal full of notes and words to describe the sensations coursing through me right now but the truth about writing a song is the vulnerability you get.

There's no other raw feeling than that one because you literally give people permission to be in your head, to know your deepest thoughts, to understand you, it's like being butt naked if I'm being honest.

The thrill is amazing, and it's far from easy to put into words. It's like this instant euphoria and adrenaline of jumping into the unknown because that's what happens when you release a song.

The creative process is something I treasure so much because of how unique it is and why I appreciate every little song I write, and it's so odd to write a song in the same way as you did the last one, it's impossible to recreate.

I've woken up from a nightmare, needed a distraction and within twenty minutes I had written a song but this isn't like that, at all.

My therapist said I should focus and write what I'm feeling and what I'm feeling right now basically sums up on the phrase ''I miss Harry''

I miss my boyfriend, I miss every little thing that he does, what makes him special, what makes him weird, what makes him my Harry but somehow I ruined it all and I don't know how I'll be able to recover from it.

He is the love of my life and I didn't see it sooner, I knew that but I never got a chance to tell him how I feel, show him how much he means to me because I was so caught up in meaningless things.

Now he's gone.

However, as gone as he is, he lives in my mind rent-free. He is very much settled in my head, ready for me when I need to punish myself for all of the wrongdoings of my life and I've tried every method to evict him but it's useless.