tryst [sequel] // h.s

63

tw: blood

Chapter sixty three

Zara

I haven't had a good day in ages. I've been stressing myself out over nothing, getting easily overwhelmed and anxious, thinking about everything, trying to get ahead of myself but causing myself more harm than anything.

Today has been different so far, and it feels weird, which I hate because having a good day should be the normalcy, not the odd one out.

I woke up feeling happy and like it would be a good day and I had a good morning. I stayed in bed, watched a bit of a movie as I had a large breakfast, making sure I took my vitamins.

Had a nice shower, did my makeup, and picked up a cute outfit so I could go to the studio and discuss matters with my managers, pr team, and all. I have yet to tell everyone but I can't do anything until Harry comes back.

I've been trying to be easy on Harry and I've replied to a few of his messages, just so he doesn't rush into conclusions and thinks we are done for good, we are anything but done here.

He is not the smartest so I have to remind him of a few things, and reassuring him that we are still together was the main of those.

I know he feels sorry, which is not enough but it will have to do for now. I keep reminding myself that I can't hold him accountable for something he doesn't know yet, so he is not to blame entirely.

I've been meaning to talk with him because no matter how badly he has fucked up, how unsupportive he is, or how dumb he can be, he's still my boyfriend and I miss him like hell.

I miss his calming voice, his cute stutter, and how he always picks up the phone saying ''Hey, baby''. Only a few more days until we get to see each other but I'm hopeful for the next time that we reunite because it will be different.

I made the decision to tell him about the baby right away because if I don't do it by then, I won't have the courage to go on and he'll pick up on my intentions right away. He can tell right off when I'm lying so I better not even make the attempt.

My mood has been all over the place lately and the bleeding hasn't stopped since the nightmares started and I got scared so I called my doctors but they said it should go away and that it's normal to have some bleeding while it's still early in the pregnancy.

I've tried containing it with pads as they advised and now it's merely just some spotting but the cramps haven't gone away, if anything they have gotten worse than before but it's still bearable. That or my head is all over the place and I endure the pain so much easier and lighter because I'm distracted.

I have read every single pregnancy book I can get my hands on, and they all say the same thing, that the first trimester is the toughest one to get through, the riskiest, and the one I should be more relaxed.

I have proved all of them wrong because the last thing I've felt is calmness and serenity, my anxiety is up the roofs and crippling at all times.

Now is probably the worst time because I have to meet up with my team to let them know I won't be able to record the album I had anticipated and that I will no longer be touring, at least it for a while, or at least until my baby is old enough.

If there's something that my anxiety works with is productivity because I've done the most about the situation and figured out a couple of things, one of them being that I don't want my baby to grow up between nannies.

Am I totally getting ahead of myself here? Probably, a hundred percent, yes, but the truth is with how lonely I've spent these past few days it gives me room to overthink.