tryst [sequel] // h.s

47

And if you're broken I'll mend ya
And I keep you sheltered from the storm
That's raging on now

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love
I'll pick you up when you're getting down
And out of all these things I've done
I think I love you better now

song: lego house by Ed Sheeran

(a/n: not meant to be played while reading)

Chapter forty seven

Harry

I'm an inconsiderate prick.

I knew I didn't deserve Zara from the moment I met her but to know that I've been treating her as badly as I have when this wasn't her fault makes me feel even worse.

She was going through so much and she complained so little about it and I didn't see it. It was all right there in front of me and I ignored it.

What type of boyfriend am I?

The narcissist, egotistical and self-centered, irrationally jealous, and paranoid asshole kind of boyfriend. That's what I am.

I can't believe I missed this, I entitle myself to be a Zara expert and I didn't know this huge part of her because I was blinded by what I was feeling without stopping myself for a second to ponder how she was being affected by my actions.

I missed this, I overlooked it and I wasn't there for her. I couldn't take care of her because I didn't know but that's not an excuse.

I've been doing some research into the whole matter with her disorder and it's not good. She made it seem like it was nothing and that it was manageable but what I read was far from it.

There were some dark, obscure things to read in there, and instead of calming me down and let me have peace of mind I've spent the last two days freaking out and looking for every possible sign of behavior -at least that's what the site said- I could find.

Which frightened me the most because I couldn't find any. She is just acting like her normal self, the Zee we all know and love so that scared me because I read that most of it is in her head and that's where I'm at lost.

If I could find a way to know what goes inside that beautiful head of hers I would do it because I feel powerless when it comes to that and I'd like to make things easier for her, I just don't know how.

I don't want to be invasive and repeat the same question, asking if she's okay twenty seven times a day, which I'm not proud to say I did yesterday but I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

Besides, there's no one I can properly talk to because I don't think she has told anyone besides me here, at least my sister and her brother don't seem to know so I'm no one to reveal information about her, which is no one business, not even mine.

I've tried to do some more research mainly on how to help her but it was useless because every single search popped up with something even worse.

I've been reading articles about how they feel and what triggers them and the main one is a sense of abandonment, she is afraid of me leaving her all the time so this relationship is not ideal because she's leaving soon and I won't be there for her.

I always knew the current situation of our relationship was not ideal but this seems to complicate things because I want to be there for her and I can't. I'm physically not able to be with her at all times and what if she needs me?