tryst [sequel] // h.s

44

My mind is complicated
Find it hard to rearrange it
But I'll have to find a way somehow
Overreacting lately
Find it hard to say I'm sorry
But I'll make it up to you somehow
And I just don't know why

The stars won't shine at night
Tell me you want it

A thousand miles away from the day that we started
But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest
If honesty means telling you the truth
Well, I'm still in love with you

song: still by Niall Horan

(a/n: not meant to be played while reading; italics means flashback)

TW: discussion of mental health disorders

Chapter forty four

Zara

I thought distance, time, silence, and space would help me cope with the feeling I have aching trapped inside my chest, but it kept growing.

It's been exactly ten days since I last saw Harry and the way this week turned out was probably the last of my expectations.

I had the worst jet lag for the first three nights I was back in London which was the main reason for my insomnia but instead of relying on pills, teas, and melatonin I went to the studio until the sun came up.

I lived opposite from everyone else for those days but I managed to record my song with my own terms and times.

During the process I was mostly alone, Avery would join me until 2 am and it was the same with Cassie and Courtney but after that I was alone so I made the most of it. My band was there so we could do it with the instruments and the new arrangements they made but there was no one but me after the clock struck 3.

I cried. I cried so much while I was recording the song, not only because I was frustrated and nothing was reaching my standards, but also because it was a very emotional experience.

I had to switch from the live room to the controls room, fixing my own sounds so it was a constant back and forth, but it kept me busy when I needed it. By the end of the third night, I had my song done.

A song written by me, produced by me, arranged by me and for me. I registered on the official record of songs so no one would be able to take it away from me and I added my name on it so after that it was done.

I was unsure on whether or not I should put it under my name or the fake name I use to register songs but after a lot of thinking I came to the conclusion that this song was mine and that no one would be able to take it away from me no matter what.

Part of doing this song and the exercise Isla wanted me to do was a journey of self-acceptance and I have a very long way ahead of me but this was a start because I didn't want to hide under fake names.

I already have to hide my relationship with Harry, even within our current break situation, from the world so this song was a way for me to put us out there, even if it's in a secret way.

Naming the song was a very difficult task, I tried everything so I could avoid mentioning Harry's name so I came up with two. The official one and the off the record one. I registered under the name ''Project 165998''. This is Harry's audition number, but since I had no intention of releasing it, then there should be no problem.

I had to show it to Isla because it was part of my therapy treatment but I had sent her a demo before our session so she could hear it beforehand but she played it during our meeting because she wanted to see my physical response to it.