tryst [sequel] // h.s

61

I'll carry you all the way
And you'll choose the day
When you're prepared to greet me
I'll be a good mum, I swear
You'll see how much I care
When you meet me

You thrill me, you delight me
You please me, you excite me
You're all that
I've been yearning for
I love you, I adore you
I lay my life before you
I only want you more and more

And finally it seems
My lonely days are through
I've been waiting for you

song: i've been waiting for you by ABBA (Mamma Mia! Version)

(a/n: not meant to be played while reading)

Chapter sixty one

Zara

I can't do this.

I tried with all of my mind, body, and soul to get used to the idea of being pregnant but I don't think I can bear it anymore.

These past few days have been terrible. I feel heavy, I got acne again, my feet are swollen and my back hurts. I've started going to the bathroom at least fifteen times a day when I usually only did a third of that number.

I wake up in the middle of the night with awful nightmares and wanting to go pee, while also craving random food and crying because I don't have it in my flat and I have no one to go get it for me.

I haven't left my house ever since I got the news, and today I have to because we are doing the ultrasound to check on the baby but Cassie isn't joining me, which is already a bad way to start my day.

The feeling of loneliness invades me again and as if I wasn't already crying because I'm dealing with pregnancy hormones, I simply overthink the thought of not being able to lace my shoes in a few months, and it haunts me.

I am a mess and if I'm being completely honest, it's embarrassing but I haven't showered since I got home, which was three days ago, because I'm afraid to take off my clothes and look at my body changing.

I was supposed to go to therapy as well but I ended up canceling my session because I was still scared to leave my home but also frightened that my therapist could read me very easily and realize that I am indeed carrying a child.

Most of it it's in my head, and I know that. I know that therapy is probably the thing I need the most right now but I am not ready to tell someone else about what's going on.

First and foremost I have to tell Harry before anyone else finds out, the only person that knows outside of my doctors is Cassie and I intend to keep it that way until I talk to Harry.

I have so much shit I have to figure out before he gets here but I'm taking one step at a time and dealing it with calmness. I've been reading about pregnancies and everything, it turns out everything I feel, the baby does as well and if I get stressed out, he could get stressed out and it complicates things.

It's like I have a restrain to lose my shit because I can't think for myself anymore. I am responsible for this baby inside of me and I don't want to fuck it up, I decided I was going to carry on with the pregnancy and I intend to do that the best that I can.

I am definitely not a hundred percent happy but I'm just getting used to the idea. Part of me is in denial, most of myself is, but there's this tiny side that is curious, and does the most for us.

Is that side, the one that pushes me to do research, motivate myself to do some stretching, eat my prenatal vitamins and make sure I remember to eat. That side of me is giving it all, but I'm afraid is being overshadowed by the person I still am, that hasn't fully accepted that she's pregnant.