tryst [sequel] // h.s

22

Chapter twenty-two

Zara

I'm so excited.

Today I finish my first official tour, completely crafted around my necessities and to my liking, based on the type of show I wanted to promote and do, and so far I've met all of my expectations. With my own music, that I wrote, produced, and recorded on my own and the message I wanted to provide, and surprisingly people love it, which makes me even happier.

I selfishly did this for my own benefit and it's a true blessing that I'm able to share it with people that love it but this was for me, for starters. For the first time in a very long time, I was able to cope with my feelings and express myself through the only way I know how.

This record and consecutively this tour were able to get me through a rough year, but now it's mostly over now and I'm proud to say I'm not like the person I was at the beginning of this year.

My music, but precisely these lyrics that I wrote were liberating for me and helped me through a hard time so this is why I'll forever be grateful for all the great things I was able to achieve because of it.

This was a year of growth and I grew in each and every possible way. Some ways with higher velocities than others but I'm not who I was before, and that's good because the person I was, didn't like herself.

And I'm still not in love with who I am now because I know I can always be better but I'm beginning to see that maybe I'm not so bad to be around and I'm definitely proud of myself, which didn't happen before, at least not in a long time.

I'm proud of who I am, and all that I've achieved so far. This day means a lot to me because I'm somewhat getting a closure as I simultaneously begin a new chapter of my life so this day means so much to me and nothing's gonna ruin it.

I'm having an amazing last concert with all of my friends in the crowd and then we're throwing a party with all of them. I'm getting to spend some nice time with all of my loved ones, and finally, I get to leave home with Harry.

I've been waiting for this day for a while, not only because I'll get to see him but I also get to see the rest of the boys as well and hopefully fix things up with Zayn because I need to make things right with him.

I'm tired of being in a constant war with the ones I love, so maybe this one last time I'll have to bend a little and be the one to apologize first, show the white flag in a way because at least I want to have peace.

Things with my dad are impossible to fix at this point so I'll just go back to ignoring him as I did before, pretending we get along for my mother's sake and my sisters too. I'll just settle with the nonexistent relationship we have and be flexible for those six or seven times a year we actually see each other.

I've discussed this with Isla and she told me to give it time and that my relationship with my dad will eventually fix itself as everyone has ever said before but they don't know the depths and that this is beyond any patching up I could ever do.

It sucks to feel like the least favorite child but sadly I've come to terms with that a long time ago. It makes no sense and I don't know what to do to change it but I know I can't go around changing the way I am to fit into other people's preferences.

It took me this long to accept the way I am and that I'm not perfect, even if everyone tells me otherwise I fuck up and people don't get that I struggle too. When I broke up with Harry no one truly understood me and they didn't get what I was looking for because I wasn't even sure of it myself.

I know I handled things badly and that I shouldn't have taken such dramatic measures without thinking it through but it was the only possible outcome that seemed rational at that time and I'm glad I did it.