tryst [sequel] // h.s

21

Chapter twenty one

Zara

I'm being irrational.

Forty-eight minutes with forty-one seconds.

That's how long that record is and I've been listening to it back and forth, at least four times, and each time I feel more scared than the last one. I have this other feeling right inside of me, in the pit of my stomach, making me feel sick.

I feel like I'm about to lose everything.

I already lost my shit, it went downhill from there.

My mum, my sisters, and Cassie still wanted to help me clear out the mess inside my head by going shopping as we had planned this afternoon but I was out of it, way too immersed in my own thoughts to care.

They wanted to delay the inevitable, this happened three days ago yet I just found out and I don't even think Harry knows. He had been texting me, asking if I was okay and I dismissed him rapidly, telling him I was busy and that I'd call him tonight.

I'm dreading it.

I don't want to talk to him, I don't want him to know how insecure I'm feeling at this moment and prove how much of a pain in the ass I am because I know I'm literally making no sense right now but when have I ever made sense before?

She had him, and from one moment to the other, she didn't. The briefness of it all was the main cause of dismissal on my part. It's genuinely none of my business and that was before me.

I feel pathetic for feeling this way.

But if it happened to her what assures me that it won't happen to me?

I'm being irrational, that's the first and foremost important thing in my head because I know I'm wrong and stupid and insecure, but I can't help it. My head is slowly falling back into that dark place and part of me wants to make me feel guilty for having Harry by my side again.

I don't want to feel like this, not anymore.

He loves me and I love him. I can't even begin to compare what he had with her because for once, I don't even know much of it, we never talked about it and he never gave it much importance. Which can't be said from her side, she wrote about it and now her side it's out there for the rest of the world to hear it and make assumptions.

The lyrical behind it, it's beautiful and the storyline involved in the songs it's clear, at least to me. It's an amazing record and she's beyond talented, but I feel her pain too. She suffered, and I shouldn't be bothered by it but I am.

It happened to me too, on a different scale and other circumstances but I wrote my own record based on experience, telling my side of the story but there's an abysmal difference between hers and mine.

Her inspiration is in plain sight, everyone knows and can pinpoint exact moments. I don't envy her for that, there's no mystery behind her source of artistry, and creativity, perhaps not on the overall and it's pretty obvious.

However, all of that lacking mystery from hers is the only thing you can find on mine. No one knows who my muse is and I like that, but it's setting on fire this little flame inside of me, a sour feeling and a dark thought.

Is this what jealousy feels like?

I don't envy her for her achievements, she deserves everything she has ever worked for and I admire her for the incredible talent she has. Year after year she proves herself worthy of all the success she has and I love that.

But perhaps I'm jealous that she gets to tell her story and I don't.

Even when I already did, I don't feel free. I'm still caged in this secret, totally opposed to Harry's previous relationship to ours, I don't get to go out and tell the truth, my side of the story, and let everyone know.