I'm Sorry- A Slipknot Story

Chapter 64

"When I was about 5 or 6, I went away to an asylum," I say, my voice hoarse.

"You probably remember my letters coming from a place called 'Troubled Kids Summer Camp', but my parents would change 'Mental Asylum' to 'Summer Camp'. I would say that I was okay and that it was a writing camp for kids that need help in that department. Well, that wasn't the case," I pause to sniffle and think about what they did.

"I had a thing they called 'the sixth and seventh sense', which was where I could see and hear ghosts or spirits like they were living. My parents didn't believe in ghosts or the dead or anything like that, so they threw me into the back of an asylum ambulance and they sent me away; smiling and waving to me as I scratched the glass to get out. I heard before that the kids there would get experimented on, but I never thought I would be one of them.

"The doctors there didn't like kids. Nor did the nurses. The nurses would put restraints on my wrists and ankles to keep me from doing anything, and they would put a literal muzzle on me to keep me from screaming. I actually have the things they would put on me to keep me in order; like a straight jacket, the muzzle, my gown and the ties they would put on me when they gave me my treatment.

"My treatment was... 'experimental'," I use air quotes.

"Experimental being they had no clue what they were doing to me. It's called electroshock therapy now, but they didn't know in that asylum that it was supposed to be used for seizures. They thought that with enough shocking, something would happen. And something did. My senses went away after 4 or 5 months and the ghosts that I would talk to every day about my pain.

"But, there's the trauma of those days as well. It killed every ounce of strength I had to keep myself strong, to keep holding onto that special something that no one else has. But, I gave up. I was so weak that," I pause to swallow the lump in my throat.

"That I let the ghosts down that really wanted someone to talk to. And the thing is, I don't know if they followed me out of that asylum or if they left me because I gave up on them. After they assumed I got better, they let me go back to my family, which had a new addition to it while I was gone. You know him now as 'Little Jerk'. I don't think anyone of you guys really got along with him at all."

I pause and I swear I could feel a pair of eyes on me besides Corey's. Then it hits me.

"Oh god, I let them down. I failed them. I failed being different for the sake of being normal. But it wasn't my choice to have it in the first place. But it was my choice to run away and never come back. But I still failed them. And what if I get the senses back? Will they want to talk again? Will they get revenge? Will-"

"Liz, is this your thoughts or the voices," he cuts me off.

"They're mine," I say.

"Okay," he starts, thinking over everything I told him.

"So what you're saying is that the summer camp you went to was an asylum that experimented on kids with special abilities like you. But they somehow managed to shock you enough times for those two senses to go away and to give you trauma from those 4 to 5 months," he says, trying to wrap his mind around what happened to me.

"Basically, yeah," I say.

"And you can't see or hear ghosts now," he says.

"No. Kind of sad to be honest," I say.

"That's- I never expected that," he says. I put my coat back on and hold out his, hearing the voices talk about him, or 'the bastard druggie'.

"Come on, it's time to go. We can talk more about whatever's in that notebook tomorrow; now, you have to go home," I say. He takes his coat and walks next to me as I walk home, stopping at the doorsteps as if we were high school love birds.

"I know you'll go to the studio tomorrow, but I have more questions from that notebook," he says. It dropped in temperature since it's dark, but I love the look of the stars.

"Hey, you want to stargaze," I ask. 

I know Claire's looking after Sakari since I told her I wouldn't be coming home until ate at night. I bet Sakari's waiting at the door for me because she heard Corey and me. He looks up and sees the stars, walking with me to the backyard. Since there wasn't any snow yet, we laid down on the ground and looked up to the stars.

"What's the special occasion," he asks. He puts an arm under his head and I put mine on my abdomen, lacing my fingers together.

"You're right that I need help, I'm broken," I say. He turns his head to look at me and I keep staring up, seeing a plane.

"Plane," I say. I point up and Corey sees it, pointing up with me.

"It's a plane," he says, both of us laughing.

(kudos to anyone who gets that reference.)

"Do you have voices," I ask.

"Yeah. They're not as bad as yours but they can get bad," he says.

"When they speak, it feels like they're digging their fingers in my skull and taking pieces out. It hurts so bad, but I can't do anything about it," I say.

"And when they laugh, they laugh at me. At everything I do and I say. It's hard to hear them laughing when I'm, like, getting dressed. And they make everything I have and wear seem like it's bad. I tried on a dress in France and they instantly acted up, saying it made me look fat, made me look like I had huge boobs. I mean, what woman doesn't want the second one," I say.