Let it hurt Let it bleed

Chapter 59 (TW)

neglect and self harm will be occurring regularly in the story this is a trigger warning for the rest of the book

it 's been a week since that happened. Which means I've been cutting myself for a week and still nobody noticed. All I look forward to in the day is seeing Ramin drop off his letter in the mailbox. Reading his letters made me feel like an important person. It feels like somebody cares for me. My dad still hasn't found out, I hope he never will. My dad has been shouting at me more often but now for little things like how I don't finish my food or why am I not going out of my room. Can't he see that this is all his fault. My sisters don't even talk to me, they probably never even cared. "Sierra, please come down!" My mom called and I came down stairs slowly and yawned. I was tired "what is it mom?" I said in the happy voice is practically mastered faking by now "I just wanted to check up on my baby girl" she said apart from ramin my mom was the only other person who cared for me my dad was to focused on the important siblings I was just a waste of space "I'm doing better than yesterday when you asked" I said giving out a small fake smile hiding all my pain "That's good honey" she said and gave me a hug. "I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this." She said. "Thanks mom." I said. "Grow up Sierra, you're not a kid." Summer said, I didn't realize she was even here. Whenever they try to talk to me I just nod my head so that I won't be able to say anything bad. "I'll be in my room." I said then let out a sigh and went up the stairs the only thing that was keeping me said right now was ramins letters I had the box full of them under my bed with the photo album and earrings he gave me I put his hoodie on a pillow and I'd snuggle up to it at night sometimes it made me feel loved and wanted I couldn't understand why my sisters we being so horrible to me I'd done nothing wrong to them nothing at all and they treated me like dad but dad was worse than them as I was thinking my mom came into my room "Sierra sweetheart it's time for dinner" she said and I walked downstairs and sat at the table

"Sierra, why the hell are you wearing a sweater in the middle of summer?" My dad asked here we go again. "because it is comfortable," I said. "You should probably take it off." Summer said which made me very confused. "Why?" I asked her. "because we're family Sierra and we care if you look bad." She said and rolled her eyes. How can she even get away with that our whole family saw her. "When have I ever cared on how I looked.." I said to myself. "Allegra how are you and your boyfriend?" My dad asked her. They are probably getting married soon too. "Daddy he's great the best we had our first kiss last night and it was so Romantic he took me out to the lake we went on one of the boats and just as the sun hit the water he leant in and kissed me I love him so much" she gushed I was happy for her she finally found true love "that's amazing darling he seems like a real gentleman" he said smiling at her "and summer how are the wedding plans coming along" he asked "smoothly I love my dress so much the venue is amazing and he is so excited about it maybe even more excited than I am" she laughed and so did my dad Allegra and my mom I let out a smile he continued to talk to my sisters I wasn't very hungry so I got up from the table "where do you think your going?""I thought I'm disturbing family time so I thought I should go." I said. 

"Sierra, please stay." My mom begged. "Don't worry she has a point." He said and I let out an inaudible sigh and went to my room. I still don't know how Allegra who is 2 years younger than me got her first kiss and dad isn't mad about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of her. I also don't think I'm invited to Summer's wedding because she and my dad agreed that I am a disgrace to the family so they will not invite me. "Sierra please let me in'' it was my mom she opened the door and sat down next to me "mom why are they like this these aren't my sisters these are some strangers inside my sisters bodies" I said to her hugging her "Sierra I don't know why their doing this to you you have done nothing wrong darling nothing at all just try keep your head up strong" she said raising my chin and I nodded with my watery eyes a tear dripping from one of them "mom I love you" I said "I love you too Sierra" she said as summer called her to talk about that wedding I went into the bathroom and found the tranquil weapon and the beautiful healing liquid I applied after and I started 

"I'm not part of the family." Strike one, each day I do it, I lose the painful feeling which was very disappointing. "I'm not important." Strike 2, I still couldn't feel anything. "My dad and sisters hate me." Strike three. "I can't see Ramin." Strike 4, then a thought popped in my head. He'd soon get tired of writing and leave me alone because he found someone better than me. "I'm worthless" strike five this one brought about some pain but the fifth one always did "I have no worth" strike six "I hate myself" strike seven that was enough for now I put the rag in between my mouth and poured the mouthwash onto the cloths and dabbed it's on my arm this part was excruciatingly painful I'd the rag wasn't their I'd be screaming each time I did it I heard someone open the door. I thought it was not mine until "Sierra where ar-. What are you doing to yourself?" She asked and I started crying. "Why are you doing this to yourself?" My mom asked but I couldn't answer. I just kept crying. "Sierra come here" she gestured with her arms but I hadn't finished yet I bit down on the rag as I dabbed the rag on my arm then put everything back where it was supposed to go the razor back in the box the mouthwash back on the sink basin and I rolled my sleeve down "mom I I I" I couldn't get any words to form and make a sentence instead she just hugged me tight and stroked my hair then my dad burst through the door "honey Allegra's crying downstairs she so upset our little girl can you go see to her and not deal with that" he spoke softly talking about Allegra but harsher when he was talking about me I didn't want my mom to let me go I was terrified of my dad but she did and left my room "will you stop crying your such an attention seeker" he said as I wiped the tears from my eyes he came closer to me I already knew what was coming he slapped me right onto the floor "that's for stealing your mother in your sisters hours of need" he yelled and slammed the door to my room

I i didn't know if I really wanted to do this. But I hated it so much. I got the razor and mouthwash and placed it on my sink. I didn't care if I already had too many strikes on my wrist. I just wanted to take out all the pain. 'You keep on making it about yourself' 'you are such an attention seeker' 'you are not enough' 'you are worthless' 'you don't deserve to live' I started cutting and cutting my wrists until The blood was dripping without me applying pressure I got the mouthwash and rubbed it on it stopped the bleeding and I bandaged my arms up in the bandage I had in my first aid kit that was close I felt the alcohol burning underneath the bandage but I deserved it I deserved all of it I put everything back and wiped the blood off my sink and floor I put the hoodie back on and my mom crept back into my room "Sierra it's me can I sit down" she said and I nodded ready to be yelled at "Yeah." I said, starting to get dizzy. Before I could even sit on my bed. I fell on the floor. I had no plan to wake up. I didn't want to see anyone and hear them tell me that I'm worthless. "Sierra, wake up!" She said I couldn't find the strength to move so I just stayed there. "Sierra, why are you doing this to yourself?" She asked but I believed I was about to die so I let her be. I felt her roll up my sleeve and remove the bandaid. I heard her gasp when she saw my wrists overflowing with blood. "I told you to-" my dad shouted but stopped once he saw me. Of course he'd be mad but I don't care. 

I completely blacked out.