Let it hurt Let it bleed

Chapter 61

it's been seven weeks now I've gotten a letter every single day from him and I've been doing well with umm that thing I only did four today that was a big step my family still hates me of course my dad still hits me and my sisters are no better than before but my mom is really helping me through this she was so proud when I told her I'd only done it four times instead of five this week I went downstairs to get some breakfast but again didn't feel like eating so I just went back upstairs it was two weeks until me and ramin had made it to a year wow I couldn't believe it a year with him My mom went up to my room and brought me breakfast. "Sierra please eat." She said. "But mom, I'm not hungry." I replied "Just take at least 5 bites, for me and Ramin. Please." She said so I did. "Thanks mom, I hate that I have to keep getting your attention. You don't need to because you have more important things to do with my sister getting married and the other one dating." I said then sighed. "Sierra you are just as important as your sisters don't forget that in my eyes your all equal" she said and took what I didn't eat downstairs I didn't have much to do today I just read through ramins letters they made me feel so much better and then I cuddled with his pillow self that I made because I missed him loads so much if I could see him again for our year maybe I could if I asked my mom but who knows what she'll say Like my mom knew what I was thinking of she entered my room. "Mom?" I called "yes honey?" She replied "can I get to see him again?" I asked. "I don't know baby, your dad doesn't want to go out he just wants to stay home and watch you girls." She said. "Oh okay..." I said sadly. I mean it wasn't today but I still wanted to see him and embrace him and well I missed him a lot "mom will I see him for our year anniversary?" I asked "year when has it been a year?" She asked "a week tomorrow" I replied and smiled "Sierra how I've missed that lovely smile of yours I'll try do everything to get you to him or him to you it might be short but it's something" she said and I hugged her "thank you thank you I love you mom thank you so much" I said then let go of her and snuggled up to his pillow thinking soon it will be him and not a pillow wearing his jumper

Since I had nothing to do I thought of writing Ramin another letter. 'Dear Ramin, I know I don't usually send a letter first but I sort of felt like I needed to. I just wanted to say me and my mom are trying to find a way for us to see each other on our one year anniversary but she says she'd only be able to get my dad out of the house for less than an hour. That's the most we can get. I'm sorry that you have to wait for me. I know you're becoming impatient and it's okay. Just tell me if you're tired of waiting. Because I don't want you to live your life with a girlfriend you can't even see. If you do I hope you find someone better. I will always love you and I still miss you so much even if I see you almost everyday to drop off your letter. I should probably stop crying and writing this. Love Sierra I gave it to my mom and she looked at me puzzled I pleaded with her using her eyes and she went to the 'grocery store' and came back later than usual with a letter in her hand I opened it and it said ' Sierra I love you for a thousand years and I'd love you for a thousand more don't think that I love getting your letters they make my day brighter theirs no one else I'd rather be writing to than you sie and even if it's just a second with you just to see you again would make me love your even more than I do which isn't possible I think who knows what love can do but I never grow tired of you ever please stop crying baby it makes me want to hold you and I know I can't do that I love you and cherish you so much baby love ramin x'

Knowing that he still felt the same I started crying but I tried to stop since he told me to. I missed it when he held me if I was crying. I knew he'd stop sooner or later but I need to think positive. He loves me and I love him back. I kept repeating that in my head and hid the letter with the rest of what he wrote. I went to the restroom and washed my face and changed to my most comfortable clothes. I hugged my pillow and waited to be called for dinner. his jumper felt warm on my skin like he was their and I could still faintly smell his cologne I buried my head in it indulging myself in the sweet smell I came back up for air and hugged onto it like it was the only thing left in my life then "Sierra dinners ready" my mom called and I walked down stairs dreading this part of the day as I sat down and started talking about things that didn't involve me I just sat on the table listening to their conversation. Though it was boring I tried to answer them in my head. Acting as if my dad cared about me. Once they were done they said they were going out for ice cream. "Sierra, you're not invited." Summer said When did she start acting as bad as dad? My dad nodded his head and they walked out of the door. My mother went out last. They all really hated me didn't they I sat on the stair and put my head in my hands and cried what else could I do I heard the click of the door "Sierra I'm not going with them I was just saying goodbye they will be gone for a few hours" she said hugging me and I looked up at her like a child who was lost "do you wanna watch a movie I have popcorn" she asked and I nodded she was being so nice to me I hadn't felt this much kindness since I can't remember I thought as I walked into the living room I saw only pictures of summer and Allegra it was like I didn't exist but I ignored them and sat on the sofa and picked out a movie

While I was picking the movie my mom went to make some popcorn and get some candy and chocolate. This is the most fun I've had in a very long time. Once we finished watching the movie my thoughts started to go around the place. Dad really hates me doesn't he... "Mom?" I said "Yes Sierra?" She replied. "Do you know what I did to make dad hate me this much?" I asked her. "No honey and I'm really sorry about that If i could look inside his brain and see what was going on I would try fix everything but I don't know" she said and ate some more candy "ok he's just been so mean he hits me and yells at me" I stated "I know I know sweetheart but let's try have fun while their gone I don't want you hurting that pretty little head of yours more than they have" she said and got more candy and we threw them up to see how many we could catch in our mouths during this I let out a giggle I hadn't giggled in such a long time in the end I won but that didn't matter I loved spending time with my mom when they had gone it was fun and not dreary we cleaned up and I went to my room the second I shut my bedroom door the front one opened which was lucky because if I got caught I didn't want to think about it

I took a shower just because I wanted to clear my head. I heard footsteps coming to my room then my door was opened. "Sierra, where are you?" My dad shouted. "I'm taking a shower." I replied then rolled my eyes. "Oh okay, nevermind." He said got out of my room and closed the door. I wonder what he wanted. But he said nevermind so I guess it wasn't really important. I finished my shower changed to a new set of clothes and wrapped my hair in a towel. I remembered my mom gave me a book for my birthday so I went to read it. It was so empowering she was like superwoman I had my head buried in this book until my dad came into my room here we go "Sierra you're so selfish taking your mother away from our two children how could you be so rude" he yelled I tried to form a sentence but it wasn't working "Sierra I'm WAITING FOR AN ANSWER" he said surging toward me and grasping me in a choke hold "daddy I. I can't breathe" I wheased as his grip tightened I wheased more and he let me go "I AM NOT YOUR FATHER" he yelled ten millimetres away from my face and he walked out of my room I grasped my throat slowing inhaling and exhaling just like I read in the book and I got my breath back I was on the floor I picked myself back up put the book down and fell asleep from exhaustion