Let it hurt Let it bleed

Chapter 83

I couldn't find anything in the room I was panicking I had to get this pain out of me somehow why wasn't there anything he might have taken it out of the bathroom to protect me god damn it what could I do stop the pain I locked the door to the guest room and went to my luggage where I placed the things I brought from home. 

At first I didn't know why I brought it but now I remembered I brought it just in case. I found my razor, a rag and the mouthwash and ran back to the bathroom. He was going to be so mad at me and so disappointed but I had to do this didn't I ? I thought as I took the razor to my skin and held it there I didn't move it. I wasn't sure if I could do this to ramin again. He's already helped me through so much I sunk down to the floor and started crying. As if on cue I heard the main door open. "Sierra where are you?" He called since I wasn't on the bed. He saw that the lights were open to the bathroom. "Sie, are you okay?" He asked. "Yeah, I'm good" I said with my voice cracking. "Can I come in?" He asked "NO! NO! I mean no." I said now I know that he's sure that I have a problem. "Sierra let me in please I need to help you" he said "no no please just leave me alone " I said "sie please let me in'' he knocked on the door "I'm not doing anything, don't worry Ramin." I said "Are you sure?" He asked "Yeah, I'm just fixing myself up." I said "Okay, I'll be downstairs if you need me." He said then I heard the door close.

 I couldn't do it. 

He had so much faith in me I couldn't break that it would so cruel after everything he's done for me I just couldn't tell him or do this to myself I built up the courage and went out of the bathroom. There he was sitting on the edge of the bed looking mad. I hid my stuff behind me hoping he wouldn't ask what it was. "Sie, what did you do there?" He asked "I was fixing myself." I said with my voice breaking. "And what are you hiding behind you?" He asked, walking towards me. "Please show it to me baby." He said and I started shaking. I reluctantly showed him the razor, towel and the mouthwash I brought. Closing my eyes shut scared for his reaction. So when he hugged me I wasn't sure what to do why wasn't he yelling and screaming and telling me how worthless I was "sie you didn't did you" he asked "almost but I didn't" I said and he cupped my face "I'm so proud of you for not baby that's a huge step". He said what proud of me for not no one had ever been proud of me for almost doing it but not he stroked my head "can I have them" he asked "I I i don't know" I said shaking "ok can I have one item" he said keeping me in the hug ".....no" I said starting to cry. "Why did you do that?" He asked "bb because I was scared and overwhelmed by everything that has been happening to me. I'm sorry I'm a horrible girlfriend." I said with tears falling from my eyes. "Fiancé not girlfriend." He said, wiping my tears with his thumb. "right.." I said "Now can you give me one of them?" He asked. "Which one?" I questioned. He stayed silent for a while calculating in his brain what I'd do with each of the objects individually he kept me in his arms and then he came up with an answer ""please give me the razor baby." He said and I pouted "Why?" I asked "So that you won't try to do it again, is that okay with you." He asked so I slowly gave it to him. "I'm sorry I had to take it away Sie, it's just because I don't want you to do it again." He said

I understood why he did it I just wasn't in the right mindset at the minuet"I know you don't but can't I ju-" I tried to say "no baby I don't want you hurting yourself again it's for better I promise you it's for a better thing" he said and he threw it all the way out the window into a tree far in the distance I let go of my arms around him and walked to the bed. "Sierra" he called but I didn't feel good now. I don't know what else I can do to release the pain. I can't just scream at people. If I talk about it it makes me feel worse. I buried myself in the many blankets on the bed. He sat beside me on the bed but I turned to face the other way. "Sie, I'm only doing this because I love you." He said trying to remove the blankets but I just pulled it back to cover me.