— written Saturday October 31st —
I don't care what time it is or the fact that I have alcohol in my system, I've had something on my heart for nearly a year now and I'm gonna get it off
I've been having friend problems :)
It's no secret that I have social anxiety, and it's no secret that I'm really shy and awkward as well
After the falling out with my ex best friend, both me and T joined Amalie's friend group and we're about 10 people all together
I was really happy to be a part of it at first, we had tons of girls nights together and then we started partying together and it was fun
I've never truly felt like I've been a part of them, I never quite fit in and I never talked a lot around them, but I always thought that it was just because I'm who I am and who I am is a useless girl who will always remain silent
I can't remember exactly what we were talking about, but I was talking with Amalie and T a few weeks ago and two sentences from T changed my life. All she said was something like "a conversation goes two ways. It's not only your responsibility"
My entire perspective changed the moment she said those words
It's such basic knowledge, but after all these years of anxiety and depression and low self esteem, my brain just decided to erase that knowledge
So I've gone all these years hating myself and beating myself up over every single failed conversation or interaction, thinking that it was awkward because I'm useless and quiet and weird and that it's completely my fault, when the reality is that the responsibility to hold a conversation was never only mine to begin with
Also, becoming closer with Blanc has really opened my eyes
Sure, we were friends last year, but we didn't really connect until this school year. I've realized that we really have so much in common; we have the same interests (we sit and gush about books lol), we have the same humor (finally someone who actually sends memes back to me), and we just have the same views and thoughts about a lot of things
And I'm not quiet or weird or shy or awkward around her
I actually talk and laugh and blabber and goof around, I'm actually myself around her
And these past few months have made me realize that I much prefer just hanging out with her and T rather than the other friend group
Becoming so close with Blanc really opened my eyes, because she reminded me of how a friendship should be. She reminded me about how I should feel around friends; and that's not how I feel with the friend group
We just have absolutely nothing in common and i suck at (and hate) small talk, plus we're just so many people in our group that there's just no room for me
And I don't hate myself for not being able to be a part of the friend group anymore. I hate them for never trying
This goes two ways and I've never seen them put ever effort into making me feel like I'm a part of them, so I won't take the full blame for not being able to be a part of the group
It's even worse now that my friends are russ (where people who are graduating get drunk basically every single night in May - the russ-groups have already started getting their merch and stuff ready and because of that, T and I have been even more pushed out)
So yeah, I hate this shithole town and I hate the people in it even more and I can't wait to finally move out :( Thank god for Blanc-
This feels like a good time to mention that I think I'm becoming more narcissistic lmao
