A lot has happened these past few days, and I didn't want to write about it until I was mentally stable and figured things out
I don't really know where to start lol
I went to my first day of school yesterday, so at least I made it that far XD
I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety in 6th grade, so you can imagine that I've dealt with my fair share of anxiety throughout the years, but I've seriously never had anxiety like that before
I cried 7 times just on Sunday, I think I've cried more these past few days than I have this entire year XD At that point I just figured it wasn't worth it, even if it got easier later on
But don't judge me yet! I did a lot of thinking these past few days and I realized a few things that I really should've understood sooner
First of all, I made the decision to apply to that school back when I was going through a really hard time. I was going through the drama with Mal and she and her "friends" were making my life a living hell, my "friends" in class didn't treat me very well at all, I felt so out of place in that health class and I wasn't friends with R or anyone else from that friend group. The only thing keeping me at that school was Amalie and T, and both were planning on leaving this year, thus, my only reasons for staying were leaving and I didn't see a point in staying either
But after all that, I became friends with people like R and I even became a part of their friend group and I care about them more than I can explain, all the friends I've had (besides Amalie and T, of course) have treated me so badly and I never really enjoyed being with them, so I've never truly known what it's like to have real friends and to actually belong somewhere
And giving that up was the so terrifying
I swear, it felt exactly like a breakup, every little thing reminded me of them and I would cry every time, it was insane XD I just looked at my shoes once, and I started thinking about R because she has similar shoes and she pointed it out once, and I seriously nearly started to cry
Which brings me to my second point; I don't think I ever truly wanted to move away and go to that school. I didn't realize this at the time, but I was basically just running away. I couldn't stand Mal or her friends, I was miserable in my health class, I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere and I just wanted to escape it all
Which obviously isn't a good reason to leave :')
Like I mentioned, with how awful the whole situation made me feel (which was really bad, I was breaking down constantly and it really took a toll on me physically as well, because I couldn't eat or sleep anymore and the only thing I wanted in the whole world was to go home), it just wasn't even worth it
Seriously, I've barely slept since Thursday/Friday, I haven't had an appetite since around then as well and have barely eaten, and I've had a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach. It was just never ending anxiety and I don't think I've ever really smiled these past few days until now. I was constantly holding back tears, and I was always scared to talk because I knew I would just break down. I was not in a good shape XD
So I took the train home again last night, and I met up with the guidance counselor in town today
This might be a little hard for you guys to understand since our school system is a little different OvO I really asked if there was a spot for me in the health class, but I think it was a blessing in disguise that there wasn't because, again, I wasn't happy there and I could never be happy there
So then I asked about the general studies class, and there was one spot left and it was up for me to grab
(General studies is basically what I would've taken in the city anyway, minus the art classes but I don't really need them anyway)
