Sometimes home isn't just 4 walls. Somtimes it's eyes and a heartbeat, Sometimes you have to live In temporary places. Unsuitable places. Wrong places. Sometimes the safe place won't help you. But I don't know what's the wrong place right now. I feel safe. And secure, but does he feel the same way. Does he want to be my wrong place. Or my unsuitable home. It takes two. Not just one decision. Does he want to be more than friends? I remember the "talking stage". The part of the relationship where you talk all day and all night and never get bored because you like them that much. You'd do anything to impress them. To reel them in. The part where all you want to do is talk to him and your focused on making him, yours. And nothing could be happier just because your talking to them. But that talking stage never came with us. It did for like a day, but we just instantly clicked, we've had the talking stage for months but then he chose another girl. And it ate my insides. I never showed pain. He could sense it. I never showed it but I felt it every time I saw him. But it's okay that he chose her, we choose the wrong people all the time. After all I chose him. But I also can't stop talking to him cause we were never a item. But he doesn't know how much it hurt. Am I in love with him? I don't know. I don't even know what love is, and maybe I never will. All I know is that I will never get tired of seeing his smile, and his hands I never want to let go of, and his absence is really hard to just ignore. But at that same time I want to hate him. My soul is missing and I know he took it. I miss smiling, and I still do it, but only when he's around. The past hurts. But the way I see it, you could either run from it or learn from it. I choose both. I want to forget about it, and I do, for the most part, but I keep running back to it and keep repeating my same mistakes. And that's him. My bestfriend is my mistake. But I don't want to leave him. I'd rather him just my bestfriend than nothing at all. I'm afraid one day I will see him with another girl, holding her hand with someone who took my chance. He won't even notice me because he'll be too busy laughing with the stupid jokes she makes. And it will burn my heart seeing that amazing smile he has, but knowing he's not smiling at me, but at her. And it'll hit me. It was him, it was always him. But he's my bestfriend. So even if he does get a girl who cares about him as much as I do, I have to stand with him. I have to keep being my lovers bestfriend. I have hear about my crushes girlfriend and when I do, I will be at my all time low. Like I don't know what's going on anymore. Like I don't care about anything anymore. Like I lost my motivation for everything. I won't be able to describe how I'm feeling and I'll be so confused on how I feel. I'll have a feeling of emptiness and that no one is there for me. That no one understands me anymore. And that there's nothing to look forward to anymore. And I never want to feel so low. He is the best worst thing that has ever happened to me. Maybe he doesn't want me back because I am not the perfect girlfriend. I'll yell at him.ill get jealous. I'm stubborn. I overthink, I pms.i get insecure, my moods are like roller coasters. I'll probably never listen to you, I'll never do anything right. But I'll promise him one thing. If I gave him my heart. It's his to keep. I'll be loyal. I'll be here if he needed me. I'll love him to the greatest extent. I'll treat him right and I'll do anything to keep our relationship. But I'm also afraid. He won't try as much. He won't be loyal. He won't love me like I love him, and when he breaks me, i won't be looking for that happy ending anymore. I'll be looking for the end. Like sometimes I think I am special but then he says and does the same thing with everyone else and I'm like oo alright. But when I look at him he'll be doing something small like laughing or dancing and I'll just smile cause he's so adorable and I really like him. But what if he leaves me? It might be okay, people do it all the time. I'm used to it. But what will hurt is when he treated me so damn special and then he'll leave me so unwanted so quickly. I would be depressed. The worst kind of sad. It's where you try to ignore it and it gets so bad you just breakdown. And you can't take anything anymore. Having depression feels like the world is dancing in color, moving In ways you can not keep up with, forming shapes that fight to fit you. It's like tasting the darkness of your thoughts on a tongue that craves pills to make it just stop.depression isn't being sad, it's being in a constant state of emptiness. It's feeling so much yet feeling nothing all at once. It's hard to explain to others but it's harder to explain It to yourself. It's hard to understand how you can feel so lost in your own skin. Depression is the loudness of your laughter that lacks any substance. It's the nights you spend wondering what is feels like to not have mountains resting on your shoulders and a arm that isn't he's to feel pain because at least then you're feeling something. Depression is the biggest regret, youth wasted in spite of yourself. Depression is consuming, yet it isn't defining you.not unless you want it to. Depression is like drowning except you could see everyone one else around you breathing. I'm depressed. Everything seems to be exhausting me no matter how much sleep, or how much coffee I drink or how long I lie down, something inside me seems to have even up. My soul is tired. And he wakes it up when I'm with him. he stops me from dying. I would have died a long time ago, but he stopped me. He's been stopping me. Even though I know he wouldn't care. What if I die and there is no after life. What if I get reincarnated into this shitty life again. And the second time I wouldnt be able to die. I want to find out what the unknown is. I want to before I truly die. And I'm afraid. That's my worst fear is the unknown. Just wait. He says. I don't know what that's suppose to mean. But I'll be waiting. Waiting for him. Waiting for me. Waiting for us. And waiting to die. I'll wait. I'll have patience, and i will find out what the unknown is. But when I find someone new. I'll be thinking of you. And I'll wondering if you'll be thinking of me too. We could of had it all, we could of been perfect, except you don't love me. But we all know how much I love you. Sometimes you have to let go of the things you love. And if he cared at all about you, he would understand and let go too. And I need to tell him. I'm letting go. I can't keep talking to someone and getting myself into something I know will never happen. I have to stop worrying and just let it be. I won't talk to my secret lover. I can't and I won't. If I die, I die knowing I did the right thing, and letting the person I love the most go. I can't be with him, and he can't be with me. He'll choose someone else, who is better than me. Prettier than me. Skinner than me. And happier than me. He'll choice her, I'll keep choosing him, but on the outside, I'll choice someone else. I don't want to be with that other person. That other person doesn't understand it. when Im with him I never get scared, I never get anything. I get safe. That other person doesn't keep me as safe as he will. And I'm loving hard, but he is not. And all I want to do is to love and not see him with her.. He says will do it together. We will be sober together, we will quit together, but one thing I know won't happen, is we will love together.
